bekah brunstetter
Bekah Brunstetter I care deeply. About a lot of things. Like really, really deep. Ow
playwright in brooklyn, NY

But what does it Mean

May 23rd, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

As a proud 23 percent Ashkenazi Jew, Let me first be clear, I DO NOT THINK  THAT RECURRENT MISCARRIAGES EQUALS THE HOLOCAUST, but I’ve been thinking a lot about Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning as I process all of this. In moments of frustration and despair I keep getting really still, sitting there, waiting for it all to mean something. I sit and squint and try and feel and know what this all Means. But Meaning doesn’t come until later, days or months or years later, when you look back and realize what you’ve gained. AGAIN, Recurrent Pregnancy loss NOT being the Holocaust, but I imagine that Viktor pieced his thoughts and experiences together largely AFTER the camp. When you’re in it, all there is to do is feel it, while quietly inside of you, ravines are forming, leading to Somewhere. ONE DAY IT WILL MAKE A BEAUTIFUL MAP.

 

Posted in a lot, hmmmmm, the future, whining | No Comments »

JE FRENCH NOW

May 22nd, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

I chopped my hair off and now I feel French. What does that even mean? Does it mean just, better than our regular selves? I’ll find out. Every meeting I go to now, I will pitch only French ideas. I will pitch shows about Baguettes and Fleurs and soft cheeses and ResisTANCE. When asked if I’ve been to France, I will say OUI. ONE TIME THIRTEEN YEARS AGO. When asked if I speak French, I will say NON. When asked if I have any non-french related ideas, I will say NON, and then a deep meaningful (French?) pause, and then….Souffle? 

Posted in a lot, awesome, what I'm wearing, women, words | No Comments »

SPOILERZ / PREDICTIONZ

May 20th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

My brilliant and trickstery bro-in-law John made this Quiz to accompany last night’s Game of Thrones Series finale, and I’ll just leave my PREDICTIONS here:

IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN IT YET, SPOILER: DANY DOES NOT DIE FROM PERIOD

 

Posted in a lot, generally, ha, hmmmmm, how interesting, trying too hard, YAY | No Comments »

Our baby lives in the Future

May 18th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

Years ago I was hired to write a feature adaptation of The Secret, which means I’ve gotten to know and work with Rhonda Byrne, the kind and remarkable woman who wrote the book and lives the philosophy fully each day, which means a few days ago, I reached out to her with the question, how do I maintain positivity through all of this? And she counseled me for an hour, told me that I am an infinite being that she knows will be a Mom someday, and basically left me with this: Bekah, you already HAVE a baby. You need to live in this calm and peace, of already having it. And so I’m choosing to live in this feeling. Or at least, I’m going to try. And so this weekend, we are in Palm Springs for some self care (read: drinking and eating ourselves to death) but we already have a baby, it just lives in the Future, AND ITS FEMURS ARE GIANT, ITS FEMURS STRETCH FAR INTO ALL OF THE YEARS OF ITS GIANT LIFE. 💙

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Crying while Talking

May 16th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

I AM FINE, I am moving, as they say, THROUGH the pain, never under or under, but — I’ve been doing a fair amount of Crying lately, a lot of it while Talking, and I HAVE SOME NOTES FOR MYSELF. When I try and talk while crying, my voice gets really high like a cartoon bell, like it’s being sucked back into my throat while I try and push the words out. The sadder the words make me, the higher my voice gets, and the further it disappears up my throat and out my ears, a raspy gummy bear begging not to be eaten. I want to cry while talking like they do on the TV.  Strong, composed, steady, a solid and controlled voice, with tears coming rhythmically one, two, three. I want to speak in full sentences while crying, I want to say profound things while crying, I want to win the SAG award for Crying While Talking, I want to keep talking through all of these tears.

Posted in a lot, the future, the making of babies, the worst, whining, women, words, YAY | No Comments »

When the lord sends a car through your Garage door

May 15th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

Use it as an opportunity to get a sexy NEW garage door and then also make lemonade because He would not give you anything you couldn’t handle or at least FIX WITH THE INSURANCE 🖤

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Color Therapy (?)

May 13th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

My shirt is yellow, THEREFORE,  I will have a good day and a positive outlook and my dreams will come true and the worst case scenarios will only play out in my mind and fertile unicorns will shit rainbows of optimism and fresh babies on my head (?)/ GOOD THING I AM NOT WEARING BLACK (?)

Posted in a lot, optimism, sucking, the future, the making of babies, the worst, what i am NOT wearing, what I'm wearing, whining | No Comments »

THIS IS MY BABY(?)

May 11th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

Cracker is definitely a comfort during all of this fuckery.  We’re leaning on him more and more, by which I mean, trying to teach him how to Hug, by which I mean, picking him up and trying to wrap his arms around us and shouting at him ARMS OUT, CRACKER, ARMS OUT! Until he leaps from our arms and hides for hours someplace we can’t find him, then he forgets that it happened, slowly re-emerges, hungry and trusting, AND IT HAPPENS ALL OVER AGAIN. HE WILL LEARN TO HUG. HE WILL.

Posted in a lot, ha, how interesting, love, trying too hard, wanting, YAY | No Comments »

Path to Healing

May 9th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

I can’t meditate for more than 3 minutes without getting distracted, and the few times I’ve done acupuncture I’ve just laid there watching the clock and wondering things like ‘Am I healing? Is it happening? What’re we doing right now?’  and last night after my D&C I had an entire bag of Haribo gummies and ice cream for dinner.  I am no Earth Mother or Mother of the Earth, I am not Zen or Chill, but RIGHT NOW I WILL USE THE WORDS ‘PATH TO HEALING,’ and boldly declare that going wide with our fertility struggles has comforted me beyond my greatest expectations. Last night, Haribo gummy cherries hanging out of my mouth, I read hundreds of messages received from friends and strangers, bold and honest messages about fertility struggles and successes. AND IT HAS GIVEN ME LIFE. Thank you to all who share and continue to share. Here was mine:

Last weekend, we had our second miscarriage. I know I’m supposed to tuck this away, share with just close family and friends, compartmentalize and get back to work, which I’ve done before. But this time, I’m sharing here to challenge any and all notions that getting pregnant is CHARMING AND ADORABLE AND JOYFUL AND WHIMSICAL, and only these. For us, and for so many other women and couples, it has been a nightmare. It’s long and stressful and expensive and painful and terrifying. I’ve met parts of myself I never knew, gross bits of rage and frustration and jealousy and sadness. My hope and faith have withered. But I’ve also been so moved by the women who have opened up to me about the absurdity and sometimes hilarity of their own losses and journeys. And I want to do anything I can to help remove any of guilt and shame that comes with this horrible yet INCREDIBLY REGULAR thing / 20 PERCENT OF PREGNANCIES END IN MISCARRIAGE / GRIEVING PEOPLE ARE ALL AROUND YOU / HI, I AM ONE OF THEM. I also share this here because I’m longing for any personal stories, things like I had five miscarriages and now my toddler keeps grabbing my phone out of my hand! And / or my uterus is made of construction paper and now it’s full of twins! Or even, I am going through this fucking bullshit too, would you like to get together and throw bottles of wine against a wall? Feel free to DM me. I’m grateful for anything anyone feels like sharing, but mostly grateful for Morrison, who is the most completely amazing partner that has ever lived.

Posted in a dream is a wish your heart makes, a lot, babies, sucking, the future, the making of babies, the whole world, the worst, wanting, what my friends are doing, women, words, worrying | No Comments »

next to Him

May 8th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

We are going through some real fucking bullshit right now, like depths of sad marriage testing bullshit, bullshit that I will most likely expound upon later, bullshit that you can probably guess,  but for now I will just say: I LOVE THIS PERSON MORE THAN EVER, so much so that all I want to do is sit next to him and watch him play video games. I want to listen to him breathe while he sleeps and watch him eat food. Basically, he is the only Answer. AND I’M NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT CRACKER.

Posted in a lot, boys, love, MAWWAGE. | No Comments »

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