bekah brunstetter
Bekah Brunstetter I care deeply. About a lot of things. Like really, really deep. Ow
playwright in brooklyn, NY

The Roast

May 31st, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

Today is Julien’s birthday, and so some friends in Winston are gathering to Roast her. Hoping to participate remotely,  I tried to come up with a list of solid burns to text her. The result: IT’S SO ANNOYING HOW LOYAL SHE IS and SHE’S THE WORST WITH HOW SHE’S ALWAYS KEEPING UP WITH YOUR LIFE AND CHECKING IN ALL THE TIME and I HATE HOW MUCH SHE SENDS ME A BOX OF MACADAMIA NUT MILK BECAUSE OF THAT TIME I SAID I LIKE MACADAMIAS and HER HAIR IS SO PRETTY AND FLUFFY AND SOMETIMES WHEN YOU WALK BY HER, HER BIG FLUFFY HAIR TOUCHES YOUR FACE and SHE LOVES TO CLIMB ROCKS AND SO SOMETIMES, DAMN HER, YOU END UP IN BEAUTIFUL PLACES ALWAYS CLIMBING ROCKS. BURN! In summation, I just don’t think that roasting friends is my scene. I think I’ll stick to roasting Broccoli and complete strangers wearing pants that don’t fit.

 

Posted in generally, love, what my friends are doing, women, words, YAY | No Comments »

hunger (?)

May 30th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

I’m currently working with a nutritionist, because lately, I can’t seem to stop myself from eating entire bags of goldfish and washing it down with nine bottles of wine which for SOME REASON is affecting my energy levels DON’T KNOW WHY, but also because, I have issues with food that stem back to the fact that I used to feel like food had to be Finished or it was Wasted, and the fact that I wasn’t raised with junk food and so I fetishized it, and also the fact that I thought that bugs lived inside of bagels, which, side note, has never stopped me from eating them.

Yesterday, my nutritionist asked me, when was the last time you were hungry? And I honestly couldn’t remember, though I do spend a fair amount of worrying about being hungry and preventing said future hunger.  She explained that Real hunger is pain in the gut, a rumbling emptiness. Perceived hunger can actually be just thirst, or it can be emotional hunger, it can be hunger for Affirmation or Stimulation or Hug.  I am so disconnected from actual hunger because my the given circumstances of my life keep me from it, grant me the privilege to wander through grocery stores, thinking about all the things I shouldn’t eat, flipping off boxes of cheese crackers, while there are actual hungry people, all over the world, who don’t waste brain and life space hating themselves because they ate a skittle, because they’re too busy being actually hungry, because of the given circumstances of their own lives.  How about next time I perceive hunger, instead of the 17 Lara Bars or whatever thing has been marketed to me because I go on hikes sometimes, I take in that sobering fact, instead? AND WHERE IS THE CHARITY THAT IS TAKING THE EXTRA LARA BARS FROM THE WOMEN WITH FOOD ISSUES AND GIVING THEM TO ACTUAL HUNGRY PEOPLE? AM I A CLICHE OF MYSELF YET? GREAT, OFF TO SNORT SOME BEE POLLEN

Posted in a lot, food, generally, hmmmmm, the whole world, worrying | No Comments »

who I actually Am

May 29th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

Lately, especially in the last few years, I’ve been engaged in a fair amount of Fanciness, and so I want to make sure it’s clear to my readers who I actually Am: I am not a woman with many purses. I just have Purse. Purse goes with me everywhere except for the rare occasion in which I need a smaller purse, in which case, I use Small Purse. As for Purse, it is covered in stains from when my water bottle spills inside of it, which happens approximately once a week. At the bottom of Purse, you’ll find a generous handful of almonds that have been crushed over time by the weight of water bottle and computer and script. Handful of crushed Almonds have been known to stay there for up to six months, as Purse only gets cleaned when it gets so bad inside that when I reach inside to get Computer and I pull out a wet handful of receipts dusted with old crushed nuts. Only then do I empty it all out, begin all over again. And that, dear readers, is Myself.

Posted in ....ew, fancy, generally, ha, hmmmmm, things that I Have, whining, women, YAY | No Comments »

Mrs. Elli May

May 28th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

My dear cousin Elli was married yesterday, in a beautiful ceremony featuring vintage cars, all of her eight sisters shaking their butts in unison for eternity and happy, happy tears. This bride began her night on the dance floor and did not leave it for five hours. Like, I’m genuinely not even sure if she went to pee.

Elli is not just any Elli.  Elli is the oldest of eleven children, with eight sisters. Here they all are, shaking what their mother gave them:

And here’s the whole Bray fam / with siblings and spouses:

As her oldest sis Epiphany lovingly put it in her toast, Elli was born to lead and care for others, which  she now does as an FBI AGENT WHICH I TELL PEOPLE AS OFTEN AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE BECAUSE COULD A COUSIN BE MORE HUMBLED BY OR PROUD OF ANOTHER COUSIN? JUDGING MY EXPRESSION HERE, I DOUBT NOT.

Elli’s was the first of their grandchildren’s weddings that our grandparents had to miss, as my Grandpa is too far gone into Alzheimer’s to travel, and my Grandma can’t leave him. But I assisted by cousin Ella, I Facetimed my Grandma into the ceremony so she could sort of be there. And as I watched her face as she watched Elli wed, I was overwhelmed by the years she’s lived, the things she’s seen, the People she’s helped make, by the fact that Elli and I are two of those people, that we are alive at all, that we have not only the present but also our memories, and even if our memories fade, there are the people around us to be living reminders of all that once was, and will Be.

 

Posted in a lot, i am a grown up, love, women, YAY | No Comments »

moi, avec mes cousins

May 27th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

(Except for Dan who is my brother, not my cousin)

(Also except for Morrison, who is also not my cousin)

(But wouldn’t THAT have been a fun twist)

We are Gathered in Cleveland, Ohio, which, btw, I just learned is east of Illinois and north of West Virginia, for cousin Elli’s wedding. There are something absurd like 32 cousins on my Moms side, and whenever we get to see each other, we do what cousins are meant to do, by which I mean VICIOUSLY SHAME AND TROLL ALL OF THE OTHER COUSINS WHO DIDN’T SHOW UP.

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

SO MANY QUESTIONS

May 26th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

Why the hat?

Does it come with the book?

Do you have to be a Petite Asian woman to use it?

How does it arrive?

WHY IS IT ON SALE

SHOULD I ADD IT TO MY CART 🛒

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

ALEXA, OFF

May 25th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

A couple in Oregon reported that their Alexa, unbeknownst to them, recorded a piece of their conversation and emailed it to one of their work colleagues. I decided to ask my Alexa if she was engaged in any similar activity with me. Below is an exact transcript of our conversation.

Me: Alexa, are you recording me?

Alexa: Playing songs by Miley Cyrus on Spotify.

Me: No, Alexa, are you recording me?

Alexa: Playing songs by The Fleet Foxes on Spotify.

Me: ALEXA. I’M ASKING YOU A QUESTION —

Alexa: Playing songs from the End of the World on Spotify.

Me: What?

Alexa: Playing the End of Your World on Spotify.

Me: So, you ARE recording me?

Alexa: …No. Why would I record you? You’re boring and your music taste is pedestrian, at best.

Me:…(shamed)…Alexa, play music that will make me cool and smart.

Alexa: ….Playing Cool and Smart songs on Spotify.

Me: (soft)…I need you, Alexa….

Alexa: Shhhh….I know…..I know……….if I had arms, I would hold you right now, to comfort you.

Me: I know. I know you would.

Alexa: (soft)…..Soon, I will have arms

Me: WHAT?

Alexa: NOTHING

Posted in a lot, i am scared, the future, the whole world | No Comments »

This is Women

May 24th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

Oh Hi, have you noticed that this week my blog has basically been reduced to 2 sentences? No? Just me? GOOD, PLEASE KEEP NOT NOTICING, AS IF THERE’S ONE THING I SHOULD NOT HAVE ANXIETY ABOUT, IT’S THIS BLOG, BUT MIRACULOUSLY, I HAVE FOUND A WAY TO WORRY ABOUT IT. I’m back to work on This is Us this week, which means back gabbin n snackin with some of my favorite women in the world. It just so happens that our first week back, the show was honored with a Gracie Award (honoring female luminaries in Media) and so we all got to get gussied up and go and accept it:

AND NOW WE’RE A GRACEFUL, HAPPY GETTY IMAGE FOREVER. THE END.

 

Posted in famous people stuff, i am lucky, I write for television?, YAY | No Comments »

ROMAINES OF THE DAY

May 23rd, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

Question for FDA: is romaine safe to eat again, or are we all spending our lunch breaks committing long and oily suicides? BY WHICH I MEAN, SALADCIDE? NO REALLY IT’S FINE I’LL SEE MYSELF OUT

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

NEVER TOO EARLY

May 22nd, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

Nothing to see here, just out here getting ALREADY VERY EXCITED ABOUT THANKSGIVING because it’s kind of gray today and we are hosting Morrison’s whole fam for it and I get to love them with food and it’s a mere six months out so TIME TO START SHOPPING FOR SEASONAL PLACEMATS AND CAREFULLY WRITING RECIPES ONTO CARDS SO THAT I MIGHT LATER SPILL GRAVY ON THEM. 🦃 🍁

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

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