My sweet mother thought to save some flowers from the wedding and preserve them in a frame! How dear. I share this with you A.) because it really is the sweetest and looking at it makes my heart swell and it most likely will for yeurs B.) FOR THE REMARKABLE WORDPLAY NO BUT REALLY WHEN IS THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF GOING TO HIRE ME TO WRITE THEIR PUNS
I dreamt that my friend showed me her new phone. It was an old school flip phone, small and white like an angel’s marshmallow snack. She showed me how it worked and I watched like I was learning about an artifact. How do you get your emails? I asked. She looked back at me, and smiled wickedly. I don’t.
Okay fine, let’s just go ahead and change the name of this blog to ALL BABIES ALL THE TIME. At this point in my life, is there anything more important? NERP. Today, on ALL BABIES ALL THE TIME, I got lil nephew Sebastian an LA shirt for his baby shower, and now he’s filling it out like a BOSS.
No really, I will literally do ANYTHING he tells me to do.
When we started the American Gods writers room, I basically barreled in there like I CALL EASTER I WANT TO WRITE THE EASTER GODDESS EPISODE ALSO HI. As we all know I am clinically obsessed with Easter and order my honey ham weeks in advance. Luckily enough I was heard, and I then got to spend months researching my most favorite holiday. It has fascinating origins, pagan beginnings morphing into Christian worship. Egg hunts were once a pagan activity. Once Christians came into power, they would actually spot children hunting for eggs around the time of Ostara festival, follow the children home to their pagan parents, and then, you know, throw them in jail. These and other fascinating facts are maybe or maybe not included in my episode, which is also the season finale, last I heard, and which stars KRISTEN CHENOWETH. This press picture of her in her psychotically flower dress, her power beneath her whimsy, is everything I have ever needed or wanted. DONE!
I am embarking on a three day Juice Cleanse because why not, because clearing out the pipes before my body battles the attitude in Peru. I can’t decide what’s most upsetting about this juice cleanse: that I’m now a person who thinks to do this, that I’m a person who applies the word ‘embark’ to ‘juice cleanse,’ how much I paid for it, or the fact that I’m only going to drink juice and juice only for three god-given days. I’m guessing it’s a combination of all three upsetting things combined into one brownish elixir of health and self satisfaction. MAYBE I’LL DRINK THAT, TOO.
Sometimes I forget that Morrison can dance his face off like a love interest in an movie a la good ol’ Bing Crosby days. He studied ballroom dance in high school, and so when the right song is on, he morphs from gentle giant who prefers to not draw attention to himself, to SLICK AND ALLURING DANCING SWAN MAN. The footwork alone is insane and he busts it out at dance parties like a secret trick. People tend to watch. And when this happens, sometimes I just watch him, too, with a big stupid smile on my face, as it’s sort of a thing from a dream, having a man who not only CAN dance, but WANTS to. I can usually get away with a bit of objective staring, until he pulls me up to dance with him, at which point I promptly step on his feet, at which point he spins me around, and which point I fall on my face laughing like a kid on one of those spinny things, at which point he catches me.
1.) Research place.
2.) Purchase tickets.
3.) RESEARCH EVERY POSSIBLE THING THAT COULD GO WRONG IN SAID PLACE, OR JUST IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY IN GENERAL, AND THOROUGHLY CONVINCE YOURSELF THAT EACH OF THESE THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO YOU AS IF YOUR LIFE IS ACTUALLY A MOVIE WRITTEN BY AN GRADUATE SCREENWRITING STUDENT WHO BELIEVES THAT SOMETHING TERRIBLE MUST HAPPEN ON EVERY PAGE BUT WHO ALSO HAS A KEEN SENSE OF IRONY AND SO THE CHARACTER GOES INTO THE SITUATION BELIEVING THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE BUT THEN BAM THEY ARE PUNISHED FOR THEIR IGNORANCE VIA LOST PASSPORTS AND FLOODS!
4. Hey, take a breath. Remember you are lucky to go at all, and that this is what life is for. Experiencing another culture broadens your understanding of humans and
5. REMIND YOURSELF NOT TO RE-APPROPRIATE OTHER PEOPLES’ CULTURES FOR YOUR OWN GROWTH
6. Buy an absurd amount of gum as if gum does not exist in other countries.
7. GO ON YOUR TRIP, PSYCHO.
I woke up REALLY needing to find a picture of the book I learned words from as a kid, and HERE IT BE:
I think this was all of elementary school, opening this owl and shoving its contents into my head. I was always good at memorizing, not so much internalizing. And so when my vocabulary sort of froze at the age, of, what, 24? Is that when the brain stops growing? I ended up with a moderate but far from impressive collection of words. I know no fancy synonyms for moderate or impressive. For a writer, my arsenal is limited. When I read I do so with Dictionary. But every now and then, I meet a word that I like, and it sticks in my head like gum I can’t see. And so I try and trot it out, and it’s usually awkward like trying to make a friend as a grown up, HOW IS YOUR LIFE TODAY, PERSON? But if I persevere (a word that I know ONLY because I have a cousin named Perseverance) I can normalize it and stop saying it surrounded by question marks, like I’m on stage at a spelling bee. And so today, I declare to you, I will use my new words with alacrity, which is just a sharp and beautiful little word that I always say in my normal life, by which I mean, with willingness and cheerfulness.
Me: Look at my eyelid. It’s wrinkly and weird.
Me: NO REALLY, LOOK AT MY EYELID.
(I shove my eyelid in his face, marriage style.)
Morrison: Huh. Yeah!
Me: I have an old eyelid!
Morrison: Hey, you look great, though.
Me: I DO?!
Me: You’re just saying that.
Morrison:…Yep! Can I please resume my life, now that I’ve told you what you need to hear?
Me: FINE OKAY BUT MAKE IT QUICK
Happy birthday 61st birthday to the most selfless, giving, loving lady I know. As a writer, you sometimes end up feeling this weird sense of shame of the love that you were raised with, if you were lucky to be raised with that love, as you’re always searching for trauma truffles for inspiration. The worse the childhood, the better the writing. Or at least, this is what the Lucky and Loved tell themselves to create torment that they can then turn to poetry that no one should ever see. But today, and all of the days, I’m grateful that she’s around, that she is one year older, that she cares, that she does not give up on trying to understand me though I do not understand myself, that she loves me more than I love myself, but mostly for the fact that I will clearly look I’m 38 TOPS well into my 90s. LOVE YOU MOM!