My mom has no idea how pretty she is, but she tends to believe most things she reads on the internet / sees on the Hallmark channel, and so: Guess what Mom: Now it’s real.
In an odd, daring and vulnerable moment, I ordered these ridiculous shorts. I love them. They scare me.
WHEN? WHEN WOULD I WEAR THEM?
- swimming underneath a faux eiffel tower in Las Vegas
- 20 year high school reunion
- while on Bath Salts
- other situations that I probably won’t find myself in anytime soon
I like to look at them, pretend to wear them, and force my tiny friend to actually wear them.
Is everything. Not some of the things or a few of the things, BUT ALL OF THE THINGS! Thanks, the goodwill on lewisville clemmons where I hid in a corner on the floor and dug through the records while two plump women perused used self help books and one said to the other, my ex husbands girlfriend, she’s a fat cow, bless her heart, and the other responded, Bless her heart. Thanks for the memories!
Do you enjoy nausea and terror? Then you will LOVE that picture of me with a barbell pierced through my tongue area. GROSS / WHY?
I was advised not to blog about this, but when am I ever obedient?
Okay. I am usually obedient.
But this really got my goat:
Hilarious. Who takes time out of their holiday season when they should be with family and friends to SEARCH FOR THE EMAIL ADDRESS OF, AND THEN SEND AN UNNECCESSARY, CONDESCENDING EMAIL TO the random writer of one random article from almost two years ago? WHO DOES THAT? Person above, hiding behind their vague, ridiculous, nameless gmail account does that exactly. Wisetoforget: apologies for the effrontery that was my article. Perhaps when Vulture asks you to write a similar article, you could OH WAIT, THEY DIDN’T (Snaps finger in Z shape / drops mike / aggressively shakes print-out of MFA / hides under blankets.)
Went for a family hike up to stone mountain; clean Air; uphill and selfies galore. Mostly just one very exhausted, very self satisfied little guy!
My beautiful high school buds and I! We are pastry chef and therapist and writer and Gardener / Artiste! We are grown. Last night we discussed job stability and other assorted grown up things, but did not neglect to reminisce over that time we made beers explode in the freezer and that time we went to that weird guy’s house and that other time some certain someones had torrid affairs with managers at Party City.
HE JUST KNOWS.
IT’S ALMOST AS IF SANTA IS A RELATIVE WHO HAS KNOWN US OUR WHOLE LIVES AND HAS EVEN LIVED WITH US AT SOMEPOINT AND PERHAPS IS A SIBLING TO US OR GAVE BIRTH TO US.
THAT IS HOW MUCH SANTA KNOWS.