Sometimes when I’m asked to give a synopsis of a play I’ve written, I immediately forget what the play is about even, and I google it and steal a synopsis for it that someone else has made. Also sometimes, I wrote for TV for 3 months with an old Final Draft that wouldn’t even let me create new documents so I was writing over old documents, until finally yesterday, I realized that it takes about negative 5 seconds and just 60 bucks to upgrade. Next, I’m going to learn how to tie my shoes (maybe.)
I can’t decide if that’s my favorite picture portraying how taxes are evil and hard, or my favorite picture ON THE INTERNET EVER. Either way, I really have nothing new to add to the complaint pile re: taxes, but given that last year, I attempted to do them myself and then ended up owing an extra $1700, I think that this year, I will seek the help of a professional, ie:
Bekah: Not to use technical terms, but here are all of my stuff and all of my things.
Tax Preparer: Thanks! I’ll do my best. We at H&R block want to make this as painless for you as possible while also making fun of you behind your back for not knowing what anything is. Do you have any itemized deductions?
Bekah: Which are – ?….. Just make things good or at least not bad.
Tax Preparer: Are you an adult?
Okay, there’s something kind of fun about flying back and forth across the country like a crazy person. In one day, THIS old queen did breakfast, running, some work, danced in a Cudzoo music video, scored some happy flight Xanax, and is now heading to the airport. NAILING. IT.
I snuck back to NYC to attend the Pants NYC Premiere party. There was something about the impulsiveness of this trip that pretty much convinced me that I was sure to be met with aviation disaster, so I had a particularly panicked flight, at first. As per usual, though, I learned some new tricks to deal with my dumb crazy.
- Sit next to a solider. Find one, and sit next to him. Personify him as your brother, show him pictures of your brothers, and when the turbulence gets real bad, asking him more questions about deer hunting. (Why? How? Why?)
- Watch Footloose and chair-dance.
- Announce to any stewardess that passes that you have flying anxiety, which usually leads to them feeding you free cups of ‘Gingerale’ (smelling strangely of Chardonnay) for the next five hours. As a thank you, tell them your life story.
- Eat Teddy Grahams.
- Organize your Desktop.
- Tell the soldier that you don’t want to Die.
Look at me, working through this! You’re a big girl, you! Who needs therapy, when there are teddy grahams.
I came across this phrase ‘Divine Arithmetic’ when I was reading yesterday and I like it very much. I think it actually can refer to a few things, like how much time you have left on earth and how you should make use of this time – but yesterday’s read was about the mathematics of kindness. ‘The only way to keep money or land is to give it away,’ or, the only true way to be happy is to let go of what you have. And so, what do I have? What could I give? Which leads me to imagine a scenario in which I present a homeless person with a homemade monologue.
HP: What the crap is this?
Me: it’s a homemade monologue! I wrote it for you!
HP:…..Can I eat it?
HP: Can I sleep in it?
Me: …Metaphorically, maybe?
HP: Come find me when you have a sandwich.
But really, I have time and energy, most of the time, and this is what I should give.
Fans, yet another year of Oscar Nominee Announcements, and yet another year where I AM NOT NOMINATED FOR CRAP. Please begin your petitioning campaign.
Relatedly, are you sick and tired of people telling you that you should see The Artist because it’s Really Good and You would Really Love the Artist? Well quit your whining and WATCH THE ARTIST because yes, it really is that Good.