I was scrolling back through my year, by which I mean pictures on my phone, in preparation for some sort of 2019 Top 9 type post (mine usually become more like Top 81, as I can never pick) and I realized that I was spending much more mental energy obsessing over how thin or not thin I was in the pictures, than I was reveling in my accomplishments / adventures. (The above picture, from Jan 2019, makes me ANGRY, because I think I felt fat? But I am way more cupcake-y, even since then.) Two years of fertility treatments and failed pregnancies and baking and eating and drinking ALL OF MY FEELINGS means I have basically gained the amount of weight one gains when one actually has a baby, yet I currently have no baby to show for it. My jeans are stacked like unread books in my closet. I don’t even look at them anymore. I should be easy on my myself, but it’s hard. I spent my delicate formative years very overweight and hating myself for it, and then MORE formative years jogging and counting and spinning and restricting. It’s hard for me to just accept that my body has changed and that it’s not the end of the world. But, also, it’s not as hard and I thought it might be? Because I know it doesn’t matter as much as I once thought it did. Because I don’t have the space to care? Because I’m basically happy, and well-fed? Because there is a time to worry about how much one’s gut cupcakes when one sits down, and then there is a time for self-care, for self-kindness, for Doritos, for mercy.

Once again, things are amazing and This is Us got a bunch of Emmy noms ( like MANDY FOR BEST ACTRESS / SO DESERVED / WHAT THAT WOMAN DOES WITH HER AGE MAKEUP IS STUNNING TO WATCH)  which means I am filled with pride and joy and luck, but also, the ceremony is officially 2 months and change out, so it’s time to immediately start brainstorming themes for Morrison and I’s look (lewk) (luhk). First thoughts:

• Wistful Wedding Recreation
• Just a Little Bit High
• Post-Post-Post Apocalyptic
• Glitter
• Fertility Struggles
• Leaders of Industry
• ….Green

SUGGESTION WINDOW CLOSES AUG 30 2019

Watched this incredibly inspiring Netflix doc last night, on women across the country running super grassroots campaigns in the 2018 Democratic Primary; was beyond moved by the simultaneous vulnerability and strength of each of the women; THIS BALANCE IS WHAT MAKES WOMEN SO AMAZING, WE NEED MORE WOMEN IN POLITICS BUT OH WAIT IS THAT ALEXANDRIA OCASIO CORTEZ’S BOYFRIEND?! 

OMG WHO IS HER BF HOW DID THEY MEET WHAT IS THAT DRESS WHO IS POLITICS

-Me: I need a dress for that thing next week, at which I must look like an effortless adult person who is Polished and Poised without trying too Hard.

• spends (wastes) hours online looking at dresses
• perhaps orders a few, spends (wastes) money and also time on trying them on, returning them
• forlorn, looks in own closet
• Sees 900 DRESSES, MOST OF WHICH ARE PERFECTLY APPROPRIATE FOR EVENT.
• realizes that this isn’t just about Dresses
• the answer is always (usually) right in front of you
• Like really, you can search the world (internet) but you will just end up back at Home

Me, the last few weeks: Royal wedding = meh, I mean I’m sure it’ll be gorgeous but isn’t it kind of weird how we’re all privy to their incredibly personal union?

Me, this morning: PRETTY PRINCESS!!! LOOK!! MORRISON!!!

Morrison: ….What?

Me: LOOK AT THE PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS!!! I MEAN TECHNICALLY SHE’S A DUCHESS BUT LOOK AT HER PRETTY PRETTY DRESS IT’S SO PRETTY

Morrison:….Okay. I’m going back to sleep.

Me: (softly, scrolling through pictures)….princess…..

EVERY LITTLE STEP SHE TAKES

Happy first birthday to this blessed flower, my sweet niece and soon to be confidante (like as soon as she speaks words) Miss Olivia Grace.

Women who are attending this year’s Golden Globes (me only kind of, I don’t go to the big fancy ceremony, just the afterparty) are planning to wear all black to protest sexual assault in Hollywood, BUT ALSO BECAUSE BLACK IS SLIMMING AND DEFT AT HIDING THE FACT THAT WE ALL SPENT THE LAST MONTH EATING SNICKERDOODLES AND MYSTERIOUS MEAT LOGS FROM HOLIDAY GIFT BASKETS.  I’M LOOKING AT YOU,  MERYL STREEP, YOU GORGEOUS, DELICATELY AGING GOAL PERSON.

I have two awards shows to attend in January that I must, poor me, acquire dresses for. But for the sake of economy, and also whimsy, what if, just go with me, WHAT IF I just wore this dress made of skittles to both,

AND THEN JUST SLOWLY ATE MY WAY OUT OF IT?

Today, on sacred things found while packing:

What I was probably supposed to look like at my senior prom:

What I actually looked like:

As luck would have it, we made it through an ENTIRE YEAR OF MARRIAGE. We are even strongly considering the possibility of, you know, continuing it forever, as it has been rewarding, character building, wonderful, mysterious, hilarious, strange, and perhaps the best thing I have  ever done. We are spending today reflecting back on the wedding and going back through the pictures, remembering all of the small but momentous parts of day.  I think when you first get your wedding pictures you are overwhelmed by the All of them, because looking at them today, I feel like I barely even looked at them when I first went through. And so I share some of  my new favorites with you:  each a tiny, specific life moment. I’m not even going to ramble about what they are, about what they mean. I’m just going to let them speak for themselves, as pictures do.