bekah brunstetter
Bekah Brunstetter I care deeply. About a lot of things. Like really, really deep. Ow
playwright in brooklyn, NY

Further and Further Away

August 14th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

I don’t so much have Good dreams or Bad Dreams, I have Worry Dreams, with very simple plots that usually involve me trying to get somewhere important, pushing through sand and time to get there, but the destination keeps getting moved to somewhere far. I dream that I’m supposed to have another surgery but I’m tired of Waiting and I’m Hungry so I go to get a Sandwich but I get lost getting back and I can’t find my hospital bed because I swear I only went five minutes away, but it takes hours to get back to it. I’m realizing that all of these dreams are exactly how I feel about still trying to have a baby.  The end keeps getting moved, pushed farther. It’s always nine months away, plus Whatever Time.  I’ve been walking for hundreds of miles dragging my rolling suitcase full of stones but the Gate has changed, I swear it was There but then it’s Not. Meanwhile I can hear and see everyone, already there. They’re laughing with their toddlers, it’s a picnic, there’s face paint and wading pools and games and chicken nuggets, vats of Annie’s Mac n Cheese, they’re all waiting. Where’s Bekah? It’s so easy to get here. We’ve been here for years. Maybe she’s not coming. And I’m screaming at them, I’m coming, I’m trying, don’t leave, I’m almost there! But they can’t hear me, because as I’m screaming, they’ve moved to another planet, a million miles further away.

Posted in a lot, life, love, the future, the making of babies, what my friends are doing, whining, women, words, worrying | No Comments »

Say Goodbye to These, Michael

August 11th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

Sometimes you make a cake for a friend because she’s managed to stay alive X amount of years, and it’s the yearly commemoration of her birth, and sometimes you make her a cake because she’s  getting a double Mastectomy to prevent the spread of her cancer, so that she can be MORE alive, and for longer. My LA little sister Mackenzie has been facing this whole thing head on with HUMOR AND GRACE, ie, she threw a White Girl Witch farewell party for her breasts, featuring an actual rack of lamb and performances by her close friends, staged readings of earnest scenes from the Bachelor, stand-up, song and dance — all formed around this Arrested Development favorite:

Now that she’s safely on the other side of her surgery, I have to share the Lemon Cream Cheese cake that I put all of my love and worry  into. I offered a boob cake, Mack requested that the cake ‘maybe not look like an actual boob, but maybe have…boob WRITING on it?’ PLEASE NOTE THE LITTLE EYEBALL CANDIES THAT ARE MEANT TO TASTEFULLY LOOK LIKE BOOBS.

But mostly I have to share how proud of and in awe I am of this woman. Her ability to laugh at everything and anything. The fact that in the days leading up to her surgery, she was working on pitching her next show and got two job offers. Here’s to so many more years with her, more themed tragedy parties, more inflatable props.

 

Posted in a lot, CAKES, family, food, i am lucky, life, love, the future, what my friends are doing, women, YAY | No Comments »

Mars on Earth

August 3rd, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

Tulsa has a brand new, 100 acre, 450 million dollar public park called the Gathering Place. It’s beautiful and whimsical and thoughtful and pristine, and in any other major city WOULD GET COMPLETELY DESTROYED BY OUR GROSS HUMAN NATURES. But since Oklahoma as a whole state holds only 3.9 million people (LITERALLY THE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE LIVING IN LOS ANGELES)  it stays like this:

MAYBE it’s because I’ve been re-reading The Martian Chronicles, but when I visited,  I had the distinct feeling of being on either on a new version of Earth after Earth has been Destroyed, Or on a Mars that is Pretending to be Earth. ALSO IT’S CALLED THE GATHERING PLACE, which is the most sci-fi name for a park I have ever heard. People float around on boats with ice cream cones, kids laugh like a pre-recorded sound cue, grown-ups stroll, everybody seems blissful and maybe a little high, like they were given the Drug that makes them forget the Past.

Kids slide down a giant Swan, or Banana, Though nobody remembers what Bananas or Swans are. There is only Park.

 

Posted in a lot, hmmmmm, how interesting, the future | No Comments »

Suffering Noisily

July 10th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

Yesterday, I had another surgery that’s hopefully getting us one step closer to having a tiny person running around our house demanding to know where Poop comes from. It was the longest I’d ever been under anesthesia, and surely the gnarliest procedure I’ve had, and there was pain, AND I NEEDED EVERYONE AROUND ME TO KNOW IT. I’m not a person who suffers pain silently.  If I’m in pain, I feel like, what’s the point of the my pain if everyone within a 5 mile radius or at the very least my 2,000 instagram followers doesn’t know that it’s happening? It’s definitely weakness of character, or what Morrison calls ‘fortitude,’ ie, if my life were a game of Dungeons and Dragons I would be dead from a skinned knee before my adventure boat even left the castle (?). It’s also a little bit of narcissism, but like, a regular human amount. But maybe also it’s wanting to Share. Whenever I’m feeling anything intense, I don’t go In, I go Out. I don’t want just sympathy, I want Connection. All of this to say, when I reach the end of this road paved with white hospital bracelets, and a baby is exiting my body, please know that I will be Sharing my pain with anyone who can hear me. THE ENTIRE WORLD WILL KNOW.

Posted in babies, the future, the making of babies, what I'm wearing, whining, women, worrying, YAY | No Comments »

What I need to Hear

July 8th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

Yesterday, a Sunday morning:

  • I wake up, feeling a need to go to church and be quiet and reflective and pray
  • I Go to church
  • Okay, yes, I get there a few minutes late, but I take my program humbly, receptively, sneak in through the back door
  • I WALK RIGHT IN MID-DEDICATION OF BABIES
  • (For the non-church going readers: this is when new parents bring their babies on stage and dedicate themselves, as parents, to raising their Baby in the church, and the pastor blesses the baby, and the baby pretends to answers questions and all of the childless mothers of Gilead in the sanctuary turn to brownie batter and melt out of their seats and die)
  • I consider TURNING THE OTHER WAY AND RUNNING OUT OF THE CHURCH, and being quite noisy about it on purpose, maybe slamming through some doors, so that everyone knows my pain, and then sits there, putting two and two together
  • I decide, instead, to quietly, respectfully take a seat towards the back and cry quietly, respectfully while the babies are dedicated
  • I Listen to the Pastor as he tells the congregation that this couple in particular prayed and prayed for their daughter Rose; that she was a gift, not an assumption
  • I realize how badly I needed to hear this
  • I sit there, quietly, hearing everything else I needed to hear

Posted in a lot, faith, ha, hmmmmm, the future, the making of babies, the whole world, the worst, whining, women | No Comments »

LORD HELP ME

June 10th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

IN AN ATTEMPT TO SOOTHE MY BRAINWHIR, I’VE BECOME A PERSON WHO WRITES PRAYERS AND AFFIRMATIONS (WHICH I’M COMING TO REALIZE ARE THE SAME THING) ON NOTECARDS AND PLACES THEM WHERE I CAN MOST FREQUENTLY SEE THEM

IS THIS A SIGN OF THE END (OR PERHAPS THE BEGINNING)

Posted in a lot, i am lucky, i am scared, i have peace, oh nooo, the future, the making of babies, trying too hard, whining, women, worrying, YAY | No Comments »

I AM HERE (?)

June 6th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

Public Servant opens tonight and sadly I am not there, because I can’t be Everywhere, so I’m across the country wishing it Well.  But I dreamt last night that I WAS there, but I was a hologram, I was a projection from a machine I couldn’t see, I was sitting in the rehearsal room in Pajamas watching the actors prepare, and whenever anyone spoke to me I said I’m so sorry, I’m not really here, and so I’m left to wonder, AM I HERE? AM I TRULY ANYWHERE?

Posted in a lot, hmmmmm, how interesting, i am scared, life, the future, the writing of drama plays, theater | No Comments »

WHY TO GO TO THE DENTIST

June 2nd, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

I don’t know who went and told my dentist that I’m badly in need of positive affirmations these days, but this was yesterday:

MY DENTIST, after examining my teeth: Wow. Everything’s looking great. You’re doing a great job.

ME: …Thank you! I’ve been trying to floss? More regularly?

MY DENTIST: Really. You should know what a great job you’re doing.

ME:…Thank you!

MY DENTIST: I see a lot of people in here, and you are one of the people who’s doing a great job.

ME (so moved): …..Seriously…I really appreciate that.

MY DENTIST: Honestly. Just…really, really good job.

ME: (SOBBING) THANK YOU

Posted in a lot, generally, ha, i am a grown up, the future, whining, worrying | No Comments »

Placebo Organizer

May 27th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

I am now taking so many vitamins and supplements that I require a cheery little carrier. All doctor and FDA approved,  I take one with food in the morning, one in the morning without food but with water, one in the mid afternoon between food and with no water, one at night with food and with water, another at night after food while drowning, ALL WITH MISPRONUNCIATIONS,  sometimes with water, sometimes not, ALWAYS WITH A BALANCED HEART, EQUAL PARTS CONFUSION AND OPTIMISM.

Posted in a lot, how interesting, i am a grown up, the future, the making of babies, worrying, YAY | No Comments »

But what does it Mean

May 23rd, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

As a proud 23 percent Ashkenazi Jew, Let me first be clear, I DO NOT THINK  THAT RECURRENT MISCARRIAGES EQUALS THE HOLOCAUST, but I’ve been thinking a lot about Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning as I process all of this. In moments of frustration and despair I keep getting really still, sitting there, waiting for it all to mean something. I sit and squint and try and feel and know what this all Means. But Meaning doesn’t come until later, days or months or years later, when you look back and realize what you’ve gained. AGAIN, Recurrent Pregnancy loss NOT being the Holocaust, but I imagine that Viktor pieced his thoughts and experiences together largely AFTER the camp. When you’re in it, all there is to do is feel it, while quietly inside of you, ravines are forming, leading to Somewhere. ONE DAY IT WILL MAKE A BEAUTIFUL MAP.

 

Posted in a lot, hmmmmm, the future, whining | No Comments »

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