Every theater company doing The Cake, in all of their marketing materials: WE ARE SO PROUD TO PRESENT THIS PLAY, WRITTEN BY THE HEAD WRITER AND CREATOR AND SOLE BRAIN BEHIND THIS IS US!

Me, frantically: IT’S NOT ME I’M JUST ONE OF THE WRITER’S I DID NOT CREATE PLZ ADJUST IMMEDIATELY

Theater Company:……?

Me: IT’S JUST THAT SERIOUSLY, I AM REALLY IN NO WAY IN CHARGE AND IF MY BOSSES SAW THIS I WOULD DIE

Theater Company: But can we tell everyone that you are?

Me: PLEASE DON’T

Theater Company: But what if we just let people BELIEVE that you are, so as to sell tickets?

Me: I FEEL ASHAMED

I have no idea where that limerick (?) came from, if my mom made it up for all car rides home or if it’s an ancient Irish thing, but I shall use it to announce that I’m working on my new play today at 520 8th avenue — a midtown building stuffed full of rehearsal studios, where I have workshopped and read and staged so many plays I can’t even count them on my hairs. It’s hallways are full of remembories. If you look closely at the Toss your Own Salad station in the Pax Foods below it, you can see translucent young me almost ordering a salad then getting a chicken parm panini instead, then heading outside to smoke and tear apart her play in her head. It’s like I never left because truly, a part of me never did.

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We officially ended the This is Us Season 2 (and some season 3) writer’s room last night with an adorable group outing to see my dear froworkers turned SHOW RUNNERS Isaac and Elizabeth’s movie, Love, Simon:  the first major studio teen love story movie to feature a gay protagonist (OUT THIS WEEKEND / GO SEE / IT WILL MAKE YOU GLAD TO BE A HUMAN.) Work can be hard and makes my brain hurt, but dangit, I do love each and every one of these people. SEE Y’ALL IN TWO MONTHS WHICH WILL FEEL LIKE TEN MINUTES!

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Say, it is only nine days into the New Year and you already feel like there is no end in sight?

IMPULSIVELY PURCHASE A TRIP TO HAWAII FOR FOUR MONTHS FROM NOW.

TAPE A PICTURE OF THE SCENE TO YOUR MIND’S EYE.

Get back to work.

Chip and Joanna Gaines of Fixer Upper are pregnant with their 5th child!

WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE THIS IS HAPPENING NOT TO TV PERSONALITIES, BUT TO MY ACTUAL FAMILY? I’M THE AUNT, RIGHT? RIGHT?! WHERE DO I SEND THE PRESENT

I have two awards shows to attend in January that I must, poor me, acquire dresses for. But for the sake of economy, and also whimsy, what if, just go with me, WHAT IF I just wore this dress made of skittles to both,

AND THEN JUST SLOWLY ATE MY WAY OUT OF IT?

BUT YOU CAN’T STOP THE GIRL FROM HAVING SOME SORT OF FIT IN HER LOCAL TRADER JOES IN LOS ANGELES IN WHICH SHE SHOUTS OKRA!!!!!!!!! WHEN SHE DISCOVERS THAT SAID TRADER JOES HAS SUDDENLY STARTED CARRYING OKRA CHIPS

I fully acknowledge that the Pearsons are fictional characters and not actual people, but LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL TV FAMILY.

It’s so awesome to witness the actual family they have created amongst each other as friends and co-workers,  and how grounded and humble they have all remained, BUT ALSO ADORABLE.

1. Wait for a total solar eclipse that is visible from your country to happen, which will occur approximately four times in your lifetime

2.) Find a box, put a pinhole in the back so that the image of eclipse will project onto the other side

3.) Put your head in the box

4.) Congrats, your head is in a box

HUGE NEWS! I just found out that Katie Holmes has signed on to star in my movie adaptation of the Secret, which I’ve been working on on and off for quite some time.  How, you ask, did I receive this news? FROM THE INTERNET. This is apparently how it goes in Hollyweird. There you are, mindlessly eating your lunch, getting mayonnaise in your hair, when suddenly the internet informs you that you just had a baby. You knew you were pregnant, yes, but it was three years ago. BUT GUESS WHAT YOU ARE NOW A MOM! Very thrilled at this news, regardless of how I received it / secreted it / THE SECRET.