bekah brunstetter
Bekah Brunstetter I care deeply. About a lot of things. Like really, really deep. Ow
playwright in brooklyn, NY

Contradictions

November 13th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

  • Bakes cookies for feminist theater group meeting
  • Spends entire feminist theater group meeting wondering why no one’s eating her cookies
  • When asked for her feminist thoughts about theater, just shouts I BAKED COOKIES
  • Disappears under couch cushion
  • makes mental note to ask for recipe for Mother’s Macaroni and Cheese

Posted in a lot, generally, ha, hmmmmm, whining, women | No Comments »

why to never drink water at a wedding

October 28th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

Note: Though the below might suggest otherwise, I AM staying hopeful and positive that I will someday ‘become a pregnant person,’ as my doctor calls it. I basically just can no longer keep the worry and hilarity of this life phase off of my blog. I’ve tried to keep it off of here, in fear of being over-dramatic or worse, pessimistic, and also just out of respect for the women who have truly been in the thick of this for nine times the amount of days that I have, with greater heartbreak, BUT I MEAN WHY EVEN ELSE HAVE A BLOG / THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT BLOGS ARE FOR / NOW YOU GET TO WORRY ABOUT MY FERTILITY TOO / YOU’RE WELCOME! 

At a friend’s wedding, I decide to switch to water, like just for a minute, because Hydration and Headache. Very nice well-intentioned other friend spots me with said glass of water, and I don’t know, maybe a poorly positioned wrap dress? Perhaps a face swollen from baking my feelings and eating them?  I don’t know. Her eyes light up like Christmas but with a secret, and she rushes to my side.

Friend (furtively:) Are you pregnant?

Me: What? NO. No no no no no no no no (then, approximately 100 more No’s) 

Friend: Oh — God, sorry — I’m so sorry, I just thought —

Me: It’s fine. It’s totally fine. Are you pregnant?

Friend: Um — I don’t think so?

Me: I only ask because recently, it has come to attention that I am the only female person in the entire world and on the entire internet that is not pregnant.  Everyone I went to high school and college with, and their bosses and neighbors and friends, and the people who sell them their groceries and their cars, everyone I’ve ever emailed or envied is pregnant.  Even the moments I’m not pregnant are pregnant with all of the pregnancies I’m not pregnant with.

(A moment.)

Friend: Oh my God. You’re right. I think I’m pregnant. That’s so weird, I wasn’t even trying!

Me: SEE? YOU SEE?!

Friend: Oh God, can I get you some wine?

Me: YES PLZ TEN BUCKETS, AND WITH GREAT HASTE

 

Posted in a lot, babies, generally, ha, hmmmmm, how interesting, i am a grown up, i am lucky, i am scared, life, love, MAWWAGE., oh nooo, the future, tout, trying too hard, whining, women, words, worrying, YAY | No Comments »

Parenting

October 20th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

Morrison and I hope to become parents soon, and so basically everything I see and do and experience feels like a preview of that future life. And so after spending  the morning carefully clipping browned leaves off of my ‘traumatized Dracaena’ (?) and reading about how I probably poisoned it with saline, like how did I even do that, has the Plant been sneaking out to  snort table salt with his friends while we sleep, and do we need to set boundaries for the Plant?, and deciding to only give it BOTTLED water going forward, but like the expensive kind? and Lord does it add up, what with the constant wanting of new Clothes and the saving for College — I can predict that I will be a nervous, loving parent who gives terrible haircuts, then apologizes.

Posted in a lot, ha, hmmmmm, the future, things, things that I Have | No Comments »

not cake

October 8th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

I, like probably millions of other women, spent some time this weekend furiously baking, as it somehow felt like the only response to being made to feel like we don’t Matter. We bake to relieve stress and sift our feelings out and be the nice ladies our mothers raised us to be. But as I carefully folded in the walnuts, making sure they were properly, evenly spread, as I was raised to do, I thought — what if we stopped? No, really. What if we just didn’t provide the comfort and balance and warmth and pie that we were raised to provide, that it gives us genuine JOY to provide? What if it no longer gave us joy and so we stopped? WHAT THEN?

Posted in a lot, hmmmmm, women, worrying | No Comments »

dressues

October 6th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

-Me: I need a dress for that thing next week, at which I must look like an effortless adult person who is Polished and Poised without trying too Hard.

  • spends (wastes) hours online looking at dresses
  • perhaps orders a few, spends (wastes) money and also time on trying them on, returning them
  • forlorn, looks in own closet
  • Sees 900 DRESSES, MOST OF WHICH ARE PERFECTLY APPROPRIATE FOR EVENT.
  • realizes that this isn’t just about Dresses
  • the answer is always (usually) right in front of you
  • Like really, you can search the world (internet) but you will just end up back at Home

Posted in a lot, DRESSES!!!!!!!!!!!!, ha, hmmmmm, whining, women, working, worrying, YAY | No Comments »

a thing that I should not be doing

October 4th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

I just realized a completely psychotic thing that I’ve been doing, and I think I’ll lay it here, in hopes of embarrassing myself just enough to stop doing it. I keep thinking about old pairs of jeans that don’t fit anymore, as if they’re people I used to love. I imagine the moments I had with them. I ponder what my life would be like if I still could wear them. I wonder where they are now. I literally sigh after these thoughts. NOW THAT I’VE CONFESSED THIS, PEOPLE LET ME FOREVER STOP CONFUSING PEOPLE AND CLOTHES.

Posted in a lot, ha, hmmmmm, what i am NOT wearing, what I'm wearing, whining, worrying | No Comments »

No Service

September 30th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

Last week, we filmed for a long, hot day beside a Desert Lake 50 miles outside of a LA (and yes, Desert Lake is very much a thing, not to be confused with Dessert Lake, which thankfully, or sadly, is not.) There was no service at Desert Lake, and so I spent a full 12 hours with no phone.  It also happened to be the morning of the Kavanaugh Trial / Hearing / SNL sketch, and instead of agonizing over my lack of service, I felt an odd peace, NOT being able to listen or watch. By mid-day, on our lunch break, I found myself wandering down the side of a Desert Hill, not to be confused with Dessert Hill, with a wonderfully wandering brain. Like the free-est brain I’ve felt in a long, long time. I crossed paths with a A Desert Deer, and we both stood for a few still moments and stared at each other, before it ran off to find to crew’s leftover fried fish or audition for a Disney musical. And I stood there some more, reflecting on all of the times in my life when I’ve have profound crosses with Deer. That time at that summer theater residency when one hot day, I saw a deer ramming its head into the glass of a men’s clothing store. That time Morrison and I saw a deer swimming in the ocean. That time my Dad and I saw a deer trying to swim across the lake. And just the fact that my mom loves Deer. Loves to stop and look at them whenever she passes them. And I wondered, what does it all mean? What is it with my Life, and Deer? Did I use to be a deer? Will I one day be a deer? And I wandered down the desert hill back towards set, wondering this. My point: I am probably not, nor was I ever, nor will I ever be a deer, but I think that my phone has taken away some of my wondering. It’s clouded up some of my space for thought. And every now and then, I should put it aside, or pretend like it’s not even there, like there is no World except for the one right in front of me.

Posted in a lot, animals, hmmmmm, how interesting, YAY | No Comments »

when life pulls you inside

September 23rd, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

We were filming in a residential neighborhood Friday, and on our lunch break, I decided to power walk around it, to make up for all of the 27 tiny snickers bars I stress-ate between shots. As I stress-walked, I stress-thought about all of the things I needed to do, all of the undone things, both immediate and future, we need a lamp for the living room and I need to rewrite that movie and when will I become a pregnant person, and DID I fracture a rib when I face planted while stress-jogging last weekend, or what is that pain near my heart, is it just heart-pain? Or is it a slowly breaking heart? Then suddenly, a voice from a door, an old, sweet voice. It was a tiny old woman, pleading with me from her front step:  please come over, please come inside, I need your help. I went right over, and she kept pleading with me, lost and close to tears,  I need something, I don’t know what it is, but I need you to tell the neighbor, I already told her son, but I can’t remember why, I — her nurse stood behind her, with an over it look that infuriated me — it’s good that you’re here, she’s not authorized to — and I need someone to know, so it’s good that you know. I just need to get to my chair. Please help me get to my chair. And she took my hand, and I helped her inside, into an untouched living room, that she once lived in but now did not recognize, and we got her onto the couch. She took a few breaths. It’s good you’re here. It’s okay, now. You can go. But you come back, any time. Leave your address. I got her name, told her mine, and left. My walk back to work was thoughtful and present and slow. All stress, gone. All I could think of was how incredible it is it be trusted, and that there are people, and that they trust each other, and that they get old and no one sees them anymore, that the young people whir around them worrying about things they can’t control, that they stand lost in their own doorways, waiting for a young person to pass by.

Posted in a lot, hmmmmm, how interesting, i am lucky, life, the future, the whole world, tout | No Comments »

things to do during an MRI

September 7th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

  • Plan Thanksgiving
  • Take deep, restorative breaths
  • No, really, plan every moment and every interaction and every bite of food of Thanksgiving
  • MORE DEEP RESTORATIVE BREATHS
  • NO BUT REALLY WTF IS THAT SOUND
  • MAYBE I’LL PUT SAUSAGE AND TOASTED PECANS IN THE STUFFING THAT WOULD BE NICE, PEOPLE WILL LIKE THAT CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK
  • NO REALLY, I’M REALLY ASKING, WHAT IS ACTUALLY MAKING THAT NOISE
  • WHY AM I WEARING A HOCKEY MASK

Posted in a lot, hmmmmm, how interesting, i am a grown up, whining | No Comments »

a Careful Pony

September 5th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

Morrison told me I look like a ‘careful Pony’ when I run and now THIS IS ALL I SEE WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR

NOT EXACTLY SURE WHY I SEE MYSELF STUFFED

Posted in a lot, ha, hmmmmm | No Comments »

« Previous Entries