bekah brunstetter
Bekah Brunstetter I care deeply. About a lot of things. Like really, really deep. Ow
playwright in brooklyn, NY

Further and Further Away

August 14th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

I don’t so much have Good dreams or Bad Dreams, I have Worry Dreams, with very simple plots that usually involve me trying to get somewhere important, pushing through sand and time to get there, but the destination keeps getting moved to somewhere far. I dream that I’m supposed to have another surgery but I’m tired of Waiting and I’m Hungry so I go to get a Sandwich but I get lost getting back and I can’t find my hospital bed because I swear I only went five minutes away, but it takes hours to get back to it. I’m realizing that all of these dreams are exactly how I feel about still trying to have a baby.  The end keeps getting moved, pushed farther. It’s always nine months away, plus Whatever Time.  I’ve been walking for hundreds of miles dragging my rolling suitcase full of stones but the Gate has changed, I swear it was There but then it’s Not. Meanwhile I can hear and see everyone, already there. They’re laughing with their toddlers, it’s a picnic, there’s face paint and wading pools and games and chicken nuggets, vats of Annie’s Mac n Cheese, they’re all waiting. Where’s Bekah? It’s so easy to get here. We’ve been here for years. Maybe she’s not coming. And I’m screaming at them, I’m coming, I’m trying, don’t leave, I’m almost there! But they can’t hear me, because as I’m screaming, they’ve moved to another planet, a million miles further away.

Posted in a lot, life, love, the future, the making of babies, what my friends are doing, whining, women, words, worrying | No Comments »

I talk, he listens, I don’t

June 30th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

I think I don’t even listen to myself when I talk. I’m just sort of whirring around the house, doing 900 things, thinking some things, saying some of them out loud, and Morrison takes the most ridiculous and most important things and writes them down in the notes section of his phone, WHICH IS WHY I got this amazing flowing robe shirt thing for my birthday:

because at some point in the last year while stomping through the house declaring and straightening things, I said I NEED A FLOWING ROBE SHIRT  probably followed by DID WE CALL THE PERSON ABOUT THE THING and DID YOU READ ABOUT THE OTHER THING and HAVE WE DECIDED WHEN WE WERE DOING THAT? Please note his note-taking diligence is ALSO why we forever know that one point I actually said to him, ‘Let’s not mince hairs.’

Posted in a lot, i am lucky, MAWWAGE., what I'm wearing, women, words, working, worrying | No Comments »

JE FRENCH NOW

May 22nd, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

I chopped my hair off and now I feel French. What does that even mean? Does it mean just, better than our regular selves? I’ll find out. Every meeting I go to now, I will pitch only French ideas. I will pitch shows about Baguettes and Fleurs and soft cheeses and ResisTANCE. When asked if I’ve been to France, I will say OUI. ONE TIME THIRTEEN YEARS AGO. When asked if I speak French, I will say NON. When asked if I have any non-french related ideas, I will say NON, and then a deep meaningful (French?) pause, and then….Souffle? 

Posted in a lot, awesome, what I'm wearing, women, words | No Comments »

Crying while Talking

May 16th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

I AM FINE, I am moving, as they say, THROUGH the pain, never under or under, but — I’ve been doing a fair amount of Crying lately, a lot of it while Talking, and I HAVE SOME NOTES FOR MYSELF. When I try and talk while crying, my voice gets really high like a cartoon bell, like it’s being sucked back into my throat while I try and push the words out. The sadder the words make me, the higher my voice gets, and the further it disappears up my throat and out my ears, a raspy gummy bear begging not to be eaten. I want to cry while talking like they do on the TV.  Strong, composed, steady, a solid and controlled voice, with tears coming rhythmically one, two, three. I want to speak in full sentences while crying, I want to say profound things while crying, I want to win the SAG award for Crying While Talking, I want to keep talking through all of these tears.

Posted in a lot, the future, the making of babies, the worst, whining, women, words, YAY | No Comments »

Path to Healing

May 9th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

I can’t meditate for more than 3 minutes without getting distracted, and the few times I’ve done acupuncture I’ve just laid there watching the clock and wondering things like ‘Am I healing? Is it happening? What’re we doing right now?’  and last night after my D&C I had an entire bag of Haribo gummies and ice cream for dinner.  I am no Earth Mother or Mother of the Earth, I am not Zen or Chill, but RIGHT NOW I WILL USE THE WORDS ‘PATH TO HEALING,’ and boldly declare that going wide with our fertility struggles has comforted me beyond my greatest expectations. Last night, Haribo gummy cherries hanging out of my mouth, I read hundreds of messages received from friends and strangers, bold and honest messages about fertility struggles and successes. AND IT HAS GIVEN ME LIFE. Thank you to all who share and continue to share. Here was mine:

Last weekend, we had our second miscarriage. I know I’m supposed to tuck this away, share with just close family and friends, compartmentalize and get back to work, which I’ve done before. But this time, I’m sharing here to challenge any and all notions that getting pregnant is CHARMING AND ADORABLE AND JOYFUL AND WHIMSICAL, and only these. For us, and for so many other women and couples, it has been a nightmare. It’s long and stressful and expensive and painful and terrifying. I’ve met parts of myself I never knew, gross bits of rage and frustration and jealousy and sadness. My hope and faith have withered. But I’ve also been so moved by the women who have opened up to me about the absurdity and sometimes hilarity of their own losses and journeys. And I want to do anything I can to help remove any of guilt and shame that comes with this horrible yet INCREDIBLY REGULAR thing / 20 PERCENT OF PREGNANCIES END IN MISCARRIAGE / GRIEVING PEOPLE ARE ALL AROUND YOU / HI, I AM ONE OF THEM. I also share this here because I’m longing for any personal stories, things like I had five miscarriages and now my toddler keeps grabbing my phone out of my hand! And / or my uterus is made of construction paper and now it’s full of twins! Or even, I am going through this fucking bullshit too, would you like to get together and throw bottles of wine against a wall? Feel free to DM me. I’m grateful for anything anyone feels like sharing, but mostly grateful for Morrison, who is the most completely amazing partner that has ever lived.

Posted in a dream is a wish your heart makes, a lot, babies, sucking, the future, the making of babies, the whole world, the worst, wanting, what my friends are doing, women, words, worrying | No Comments »

I am Guilty Of

March 14th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

There’s a thing I do, as a contemporary robot person with robot computer phone brain and human heart, that I would like to stop doing. And so, like most things that I don’t enjoy about myself, I’ll lay it here, in hopes of embarrassing myself into Change.  Here it is: I make moral judgements on News Things before I’ve fully read about them. (It’s also a thing that we maybe all do, that maybe we should all stop doing.) I make these judgements quickly, based on a headline or a skim of an article that I cram into a tiny section of unoccupied time,  so I can participate in conversations and outrage and jokes,  so that I don’t feel left out, or alone. But WHAT IF INSTEAD, I waited until I’d thoroughly read up on the Thing,  before making my judgements, adding my commentary? Would I spend more time reading and informing myself, less time commenting? Isn’t my being informed on whatever the thing is more important that whatever commentary I might add which, especially if I’m not informed, is most likely not different from everyone else’s? And DID I JUST FIX THE WORLD?

 

Posted in a lot, arrogant art things, awesome, generally, hmmmmm, how interesting, i am a grown up, the whole world, words, worrying | No Comments »

Who it’s For

March 6th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

HI DO YOU THINK I’M A PLAYWRIGHT WHO DOESN’T READ OR CARE ABOUT THEIR REVIEWS? HI, YOU’RE WRONG.  I read them with one eye open, one eye shut to the pain, the other hoping to learn something. I’ve never been a critical darling, I’m perhaps not cynical nor subversive enough,  so I wasn’t shocked to read the lukewarm reviews of Cake, tho I DON’T KNOW, I CAN GET DOWN WITH A LUKEWARM BATH, OR SOUP. But while in the past, I’ve felt devastated by bad reviews, emotionally hungover — this time, I actually feel kind of fine. Because this play is not for critics (hopefully no plays are FOR critics?) It is for these people:

A big reason I wrote this play was out of respect for my parents, their beliefs, even though a lot of them are different from my own. Last night, they joined me at opening, engaged with my ideas,  HEARD MY PLAY, AND SHOWED ME LOVE.   THAT IS WHO AND WHAT THIS WAS ALL FOR.

THIS COMMEMORATIVE APRON ALSO DOES NOT HURT.

 

Posted in a lot, family, i am lucky, life, love, words, YAY | No Comments »

why to never drink water at a wedding

October 28th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

Note: Though the below might suggest otherwise, I AM staying hopeful and positive that I will someday ‘become a pregnant person,’ as my doctor calls it. I basically just can no longer keep the worry and hilarity of this life phase off of my blog. I’ve tried to keep it off of here, in fear of being over-dramatic or worse, pessimistic, and also just out of respect for the women who have truly been in the thick of this for nine times the amount of days that I have, with greater heartbreak, BUT I MEAN WHY EVEN ELSE HAVE A BLOG / THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT BLOGS ARE FOR / NOW YOU GET TO WORRY ABOUT MY FERTILITY TOO / YOU’RE WELCOME! 

At a friend’s wedding, I decide to switch to water, like just for a minute, because Hydration and Headache. Very nice well-intentioned other friend spots me with said glass of water, and I don’t know, maybe a poorly positioned wrap dress? Perhaps a face swollen from baking my feelings and eating them?  I don’t know. Her eyes light up like Christmas but with a secret, and she rushes to my side.

Friend (furtively:) Are you pregnant?

Me: What? NO. No no no no no no no no (then, approximately 100 more No’s) 

Friend: Oh — God, sorry — I’m so sorry, I just thought —

Me: It’s fine. It’s totally fine. Are you pregnant?

Friend: Um — I don’t think so?

Me: I only ask because recently, it has come to attention that I am the only female person in the entire world and on the entire internet that is not pregnant.  Everyone I went to high school and college with, and their bosses and neighbors and friends, and the people who sell them their groceries and their cars, everyone I’ve ever emailed or envied is pregnant.  Even the moments I’m not pregnant are pregnant with all of the pregnancies I’m not pregnant with.

(A moment.)

Friend: Oh my God. You’re right. I think I’m pregnant. That’s so weird, I wasn’t even trying!

Me: SEE? YOU SEE?!

Friend: Oh God, can I get you some wine?

Me: YES PLZ TEN BUCKETS, AND WITH GREAT HASTE

 

Posted in a lot, babies, generally, ha, hmmmmm, how interesting, i am a grown up, i am lucky, i am scared, life, love, MAWWAGE., oh nooo, the future, tout, trying too hard, whining, women, words, worrying, YAY | No Comments »

good man’s prayer

August 14th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

The visiting Pastor at the Church I’ve been hitting up on and off (and other action words you should never use for Church) told a really great Pastor joke on Sunday that I must share here, if only to make #pastorhumor a thing.

‘A man prayed to God: Lord, I’ve been a good man today. I haven’t stolen, cheated, or lied, I haven’t envied, lost my temper even once, I haven’t judged or scorned. But Lord: I’m about to get outta bed in a few minutes, here, and Lord — after that, I’m really gonna need your help.’ 

 

Posted in a lot, awesome, faith, words | No Comments »

youth is busy

July 25th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

I’ve been trying to find time to get on the phone with a woman who grew up with my Grandma in Brooklyn. As we were trying to agree upon a time over email, she said something  that I cannot get out of my head: youth is busy. She sits, calm, in a sort of peace, waiting for me to find time to hear all that she has to say, all that I need to hear. Meanwhile, I spiral and vibrate and tremor and doubleback, trying to ‘find’ time when really, it’s right there in front of me. It’s right now.

Posted in a lot, generally, hmmmmm, how interesting, i am a grown up, whining, words | No Comments »

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