bekah brunstetter
Bekah Brunstetter I care deeply. About a lot of things. Like really, really deep. Ow
playwright in brooklyn, NY

Timbo’s genius response

January 6th, 2015 by Bekah Brunstetter
I shared that sportspost with brother Tim, and asked him if he had anything to contribute, smack talk wise. His response:
I think that you’ve got a good start here, but you also need to think of some exclamations for when the Panthers aren’t sportsballing very well, so you can show how truly invested you are. It also shows how tuned in you are to the mechanics of the game; the art and the science, if you will. Try these out:

-”CATCH the ball, don’t DROP it!”

-”You guys need to start tackling the other guy with the ball before he can run very far!”

-”Sports harder!!”

-”Ugh, we are going to have to score more points than the other team if we are going to win this one…”

Also, don’t forget to show your disgust at every decision the referees make in favor of the other team:

-”I bet this guy is getting paid by Seattle!” (This one will spark some serious discussion, as no one will have ever considered this as even being an option)

Then, you can always just throw in some random “Ah, C’mon!”‘s, “GO…GO….GOOOOOO!”‘s and “Get it!!”‘s when lost and not sure what to do, but don’t want anyone else to know.

This should help. Take it from me. Sports is life, everything else is just details.

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TALKIN SMACK!

January 6th, 2015 by Bekah Brunstetter

Apparently the Carolina Panthers are doing really well and advancing in the sportsthing and so now I care about sports. I remember very vividly when the Panthers came to be, I think I was in middle school, and all of the sudden, all of the boys had blue and black starter jackets and I thought, what wonderful, complimentary colors. Saturday, they play the Seattle Seahawks, who sportsfriends tells me are arrogant and mean and we hate them? I’m going to watch the game with my buddy Chris who is the most RABID AND ANGRY AND INTENSE SPORTSFAN I EVER MET, who is also a Seahawks fan. In preparation, I am compiling a list of smack talk items to utilize between shoving chips in my mouth:

- YOU SUCK SEAHAWKS!

- YOU’RE GOING DOWN!

- NOT TOUCHDOWN!

- WE’RE GONNA FRY YOU AND DIP YOU IN RANCH, FOOLS!

- YOUR MAMA WENT TO GET A BURGER FROM WENDY’S AND HER SKATES WENT FLAT!

- YOU’RE BIRDS! WE’RE PANTHERS! PANTHERS ARE A LOT BIGGER THAN BIRDS AND I MEAN COME ON WE HAVE FANGS!

- WE’RE GONNA TAKE THE BALL FROM YOU AND TAKE IT TO THE OTHER PLACE!

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…But I shouldn’t / should?

December 16th, 2014 by Bekah Brunstetter

All over the news this AM were skiers gearing up to shred some snowgnar in NorCal, on beds of fresh snow, since it’s been raining east coast style here, take THAT, the  drought, and I thought to myself, for perhaps the first time ever, HEY SKIING! I SHOULD DO THAT, THAT LOOKS FUN!, and then I remembered that the one other time I went, in high school,  I railed down a bunny slope with no idea what to do with my limbs and slammed into a toddler, whose mother then yelled at me, GET OFF THE SLOPES!  But, in the last year, I have surprised myself with the shredding of the water-gnar, which I never thought I’d do. And I ask you: what is snow, but frozen gnar?

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anything you can do this guy can do better

October 30th, 2014 by Bekah Brunstetter

This college professor from Missouri runs marathons WHILE KNITTING SCARVES to raise $ and awareness for Alzheimer’s. He’ll be running the NYC one this weekend, and since knitting needles propose a security threat, he will be knitting a twelve foot scarf while running WITH HIS FINGERS*.

HE CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU

(no he can’t)

YES HE CAN

(no he can’t)

YES HE CAN

*Editor’s note: I just realized that this makes it sound like he will be running with his fingers. This amuses me, so I will leave it, but will also propose this rephrase: He will be knitting a twelve foot scarf with his fingers WHILE RUNNING.

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BUTTS UP YOU GUYS!

October 1st, 2014 by Bekah Brunstetter

TV writing is oftentimes 80% frank and hilarious discussions of the weird things you used to do for amusement when you were young. Today I learned about BUTTS UP! which I still don’t full understand but involves boys throwing balls and if you don’t catch the ball you lean against a wall and the rest of the boys throw balls at your butt? Like that’s the game. That’s basically all of it. OH, YOUTH!

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on the topic of the Shredding of the Gnar

September 14th, 2014 by Bekah Brunstetter

Sup, kooks!  (kook: n: people who hang around surfers but aren’t good at surfing, see also, myself:) As a writer, my absolute favorite thing about surfing is in fact NOT the actual act of surfing (v.: to shred the gnar,) or the DOLPHINS THAT SWIM RIGHT BY YOU, but in fact making up surf words and terms and saying them with great confidence and with frequency in hopes of tricking actual surfer people into saying them. Surf is by far my new favorite language, one that is constantly growing and evolving, and one I’ve decided that I can contribute to. A few favorites from today:

Commitment issues: when a wave only takes you  a little ways. Ex.: Bruh that wave had commitment issues, we flirted a bit but I didn’t seal the deal.

Rockabye: when you’re really good at surfing and you actually catch waves and ride them and at the end of the ride, you just sort of  casually step down off your board into the water. Ex: aw man, that ride was so smooth I rockabyed right off it.

Carve that Christmas turkey: when you know which way a wave is gonna crash so you paddle with in the right direction. Ex.: I carved that Christmas turkey with a real sharp knife,  bruh.

I took that wave home to meet my parents. When you take a wave all the way to shore. Ex: Bruh did you see that? I took that wave all the way home to meet my PARENTS!

Let’s go get some tacos. When you’re doing surfing and then you want tacos. Ex.: let’s go get some tacos. OKAY!

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GOLFSPORT!

July 16th, 2014 by Bekah Brunstetter

I am partially dedicating this hiatus to exploring every sport possible in the LA area, and so yesterday with my texas good ol’ boy friend Stephen, who, thankfully, is also a south paw and so could share his clubs: GOLFSPORT! I did not Par or hole in One, but I Drove and sliced? and knocked a lot of playable balls on the green with my nine iron. GOLFWORDS!

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If the shoe fits, give it all of your money.

January 22nd, 2013 by Bekah Brunstetter

I hate to be that girl who’s all, I’m training for a half marathon right now, but I’m training for a half marathon right now, which is to say, slowly and sadly shuffling either up a treadmill or around the Silverlake Resevoir. Blaine and husband are coming to LA in March for the full marathon, and I thought I might trot alongside her for half of it. I can’t tell if I’m getting any better at running, or just being bad at it but doing it for longer each time, but  it is happening. Sunday it happened for six miles. I spent about nine thousand dollars on these new running shoes, in hopes that they would give me a six minute mile and a six pack, but so far all I’ve got is a blister that’s somehow growing a blister inside of it. But really: I like myself very much for attempting this.

Posted in ...sports?, horn tooting, running, whining | No Comments »

Hot.

November 30th, 2012 by Bekah Brunstetter

After class, Instructor Valerie, weighing 10 pounds, sporting some sort of bathing suit, tells me it’ll get easier. When I ask her how many classes I have to take until I don’t feel seconds from death or rebirth the entire time, she says that the more often I do it, the better, because when I feel dizzy, it’s actually my body releasing toxins (assorted Trader Joe’s seasonal snacks, vodka, bad pitches, string cheese, the number of times I’ve watched the trailer for the Carrie Diaries.) The more toxins I release, the better I’ll feel, and good things will happen with my insulin and my pancreas. But Valerie, is it really the toxins that make me dizzy? Or is it the 105 degrees we’re standing in, or being in such close proximity to 50 other people basically in their underwear? Which is it? Either way, weirdly,  it hurts really, really good.

Posted in ....ew, ...sports?, a lot, awesome, whining | No Comments »

Yogurt while Driving

November 8th, 2012 by Bekah Brunstetter

I’m really into this new Yoplait Greek yogurt, and have just this morning figured out how to eat it will driving. It requires only mild amounts of flexibility and concentration. And so, It will basically be tomorrow that I wake up looking like this.

She’s curiously shocked to have that ball in her hand.

Posted in ...sports?, food, generally | No Comments »

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