Today on what is right with America, Pizza Hut has released a pair of shoes called pie tops. They sync to your phone, you know, like shoes do, and when you press the tongue of said shoe, it connects to your phone and orders you a pizza, because it’s way too simple to just order a pizza from your phone and it’s just way more fun to lean down and press upon your shoe and make pizza happen and just know for the rest of the day that your foot summoned food. I’d really like to tell you more about them but I really must away and find said shoes in GIANT HUSBAND SIZE.
Please don’t tell anyone I owe any sort of script to, but by ‘going to hotel to write’ I actually mean ‘hiding in hotel room with room service watching cheerleading competitions wishing I could go back in time and be either a strong or portable person who cheered competitively in college.’
THE CAROLINA SPORTSTEAM WON THE SPORTSBALL GAME AND ARE GOING TO THE SPORTS FINALS! I WORE MY SPORTS SHIRT!
PERHAPS IT WAS SPORTSLUCK, OR SPORTSSKILL. EITHER WAY I WILL BE CHEERING THEM ON IN THE SPORTSFINAL MONDAY NIGHT SO THAT THEY MIGHT OBTAIN MORE POINTS THAN THE OTHER SPORTSTEAM AND BE GIVEN THE BIG SPORTSPRIZE!!!!!!!
Somebody try and stop me from making these genius shot glasses made of fried mozzarella and stuffed full of marina sauce.
NO SERIOUSLY PLEASE. SOMEONE TRY AND STOP ME.
The Carolina Panthers are in the Superbowllllll! I am from North Carolina and so I care! And by care I of course mean yes the game can be on and I will yell sports at the game, but mostly I just want to MAKE AND EAT THE SNACKS. Like I don’t know maybe these tiny mac n cheese cups.
Or maybe these tiny individual seven layer dips.
OR DEFINITELY THIS THING THAT SOME DEAR PERSON INVENTED / MADE AND DUBBED A ‘SNACKADIUM.’
AMERICA YOU ARE ALREADY GREAT.
I wanna live my life outside. This is a late discovery. I used to hide inside reading Babysitter’s Club until my parents literally had to lock me out of the house until I’d ridden my bike around the neighborhood. And even THEN, I would sit under the swing set in the backyard and play circus, which, from what I recall, just involved sitting underneath the swing set in the backyard, and imagining a circus happening all around me.
But in my adult life, I LOVE OUTSIDE. It’s gorgeous and massive and calm and here for us to play on and explore like a grown up swing set but sturdier most of the time. Today Julien and I hiked the Stawamus Peak Chief and if I’m being real it was more of a TWO MILE TOTALLY UPHILL CLIMB.
I nearly died 9 times partially because of a back injury from something pathetic like lifting something and then like, standing out of a chair too fast, but a bunch of terrifying chains / ladders / stairs / trees / stones / very fast children later:
By far the highest I have ever climbed. The Chief stands 2,000 feet over Squamish, so I’m just going to tell myself I did that.
We rewarded ourselves with something not found in nature but Godly, just the same.
And props to these kids who ALSO <3 the outside and also taking money from tourists who are dying of thirst who thought the hike was 90 minutes ROUND TRIP NOT ONE WAY.
Say, have you been hanging out a lot with your delightful and delightfully giant manfriend who has to eat an entire lasagna every three hours or he passes out? Have you been trying to keep up? Have you been taking cobblers and chips straight to the FACE? Hey fattie! You’re not a big dude, you are a DELICATE LADY. Back away from the breakfast burrito and make a smoothie. Coconut milk, greek yogurt, frozen blueberries, agave, kale. TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT IN THE FORM OF THIS DELICIOUS SMOOTHIE.
BLEND while wondering why your shorts are so tight, while making promises to avoid bread, while day dreaming of mozzarella sticks. Sip from a mason jar until your hip bones re-emerge. ENJOY.
-”CATCH the ball, don’t DROP it!”
-”You guys need to start tackling the other guy with the ball before he can run very far!”
-”Ugh, we are going to have to score more points than the other team if we are going to win this one…”
Also, don’t forget to show your disgust at every decision the referees make in favor of the other team:
-”I bet this guy is getting paid by Seattle!” (This one will spark some serious discussion, as no one will have ever considered this as even being an option)
Then, you can always just throw in some random “Ah, C’mon!”‘s, “GO…GO….GOOOOOO!”‘s and “Get it!!”‘s when lost and not sure what to do, but don’t want anyone else to know.
This should help. Take it from me. Sports is life, everything else is just details.
Apparently the Carolina Panthers are doing really well and advancing in the sportsthing and so now I care about sports. I remember very vividly when the Panthers came to be, I think I was in middle school, and all of the sudden, all of the boys had blue and black starter jackets and I thought, what wonderful, complimentary colors. Saturday, they play the Seattle Seahawks, who sportsfriends tells me are arrogant and mean and we hate them? I’m going to watch the game with my buddy Chris who is the most RABID AND ANGRY AND INTENSE SPORTSFAN I EVER MET, who is also a Seahawks fan. In preparation, I am compiling a list of smack talk items to utilize between shoving chips in my mouth:
- YOU SUCK SEAHAWKS!
- YOU’RE GOING DOWN!
- NOT TOUCHDOWN!
- WE’RE GONNA FRY YOU AND DIP YOU IN RANCH, FOOLS!
- YOUR MAMA WENT TO GET A BURGER FROM WENDY’S AND HER SKATES WENT FLAT!
- YOU’RE BIRDS! WE’RE PANTHERS! PANTHERS ARE A LOT BIGGER THAN BIRDS AND I MEAN COME ON WE HAVE FANGS!
- WE’RE GONNA TAKE THE BALL FROM YOU AND TAKE IT TO THE OTHER PLACE!