It’s crazy how quickly we forget that we share this world, that there are animals and trees and we just happen to be stronger (sometimes), or at least more intelligent, and have shoved both aside to make room for our buildings. Case in point: walking to the store this AM, I heard a strange sound and I immediately reached for my phone, like what is this strange sound my phone is making? It was not my phone, y’all. IT WAS A BIRD. AN ACTUAL ALIVE BIRD JUST MAKING ITS BIRD SOUNDS, and my mind did not even think to go there. Okay so: stronger, more intelligent, and narcissistic to the point of comedy.
I can remove myself from my involvement with This is Us and say with confidence that this week’s episode, Memphis, is the one of the top saddest, most beautiful episodes I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen at least ten to fifteen episodes of television. Morrison and I cried so much that Cracker literally came over just to see if we were okay. You have to watch it to get the significance of these Ducks, which are heartbreaking and breathtaking when they appear at the end, in a way that regular old ducks never quite have been. Clearly it has gone to these ducks’ heads, as they now have a TWITTER PAGE.
I’m hearing lots of vitriol re: Betsy DeVos’ appointment and confirmation as Secretary of Education, but lets just try and find the positive and keep our minds there. UNDER BETSY’S LEADERSHIP NO CHILD WILL BE LEFT BEHIND OR LEFT BEHIND AND EATEN BY BEARS, which is a thing, because approximately three, I repeat THREE people each year are killed by bears, and 6 by dogs, and 9 by lightning, and 11,564 by guns. SORRY, BEARS! PERHAPS BLUE APRON?
Morrison and I are off to Bali and Hong Kong next Friday for our HONEYMOOOOOOON! It does not feel real. We are doing WHAT? In typical myself fashion, I have been fretting about earthquakes (not unfounded, there was sadly a 6.5 in Aceh yesterday that claimed some lives) and tsunamis and turbulence and conversions and bugs and logistics instead of actually, you know, being excited for this incredible thing that we are so fortunate to get to go and do together, the beauty we are about to see. And so: I hereby reject my worry. I will focus only visions of THIS SPA IN UBUD THAT IS ALSO AN ELEPHANT SANCTUARY SO YOU GO AND GET A MASSAGE AND WATCH THE ELEPHANTS JUST SORT OF HAPPILY WANDER ABOUT.
Let it be known that Cracker, having been raised by a human who is allergic to forced moments, heard the words ‘family picture!!!’ and hid above the refrigator for hours until finally he had to come down for food and then I FORCED THE MOMENT UPON HIM. Him being both of them.
Being a married woman now, I am, in fact, far too elegant and mature to engage in any sort of seasonal pageantry or casual workplace costume contest, and far too busy on my week-ends with the errands and the preparing of things for my husband to drive way out of my way for costume piece so that I might be a Pig in a Blanket. No time for such tomfoolery. This terrifying nose just comes with my face.
Whoever got Cracker this catbowl off our registry, THANK YOU AND FYI HE CAN’T STOP SITTING IN IT AND STARING OFF INTO SPACE WITH A LOOK THAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS ‘I’M SO HAPPY MY PARENTS ARE THE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO PUT THINGS LIKE CAT BOWLS ON THEIR REGISTRY’
Which one of these pictures is the best?
Take your time. Pick your favorite. Go ahead. Do it.
YOU ARE WRONG.
THEY ARE ALL THE VERY BEST. EACH AND EVERYONE ONE OF THEM IS THE BEST PICTURE OF THIS FLAWLESS MOMENT, WHICH IS WHY I CURRENTLY HAVE 900 VERSIONS OF IT ON MY PHONE.
WHAT DO GOATS AND MORRISON HAVE IN COMMON?
A. THEY DON’T LOVE TO HAVE THEIR PICTURE TAKEN SO JUST GRAB IT WHENEVER AND HOWEVER YOU CAN
ALSO THEY BOTH LIKE FOOD