bekah brunstetter
Bekah Brunstetter I care deeply. About a lot of things. Like really, really deep. Ow
playwright in brooklyn, NY

Path to Healing

May 9th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

I can’t meditate for more than 3 minutes without getting distracted, and the few times I’ve done acupuncture I’ve just laid there watching the clock and wondering things like ‘Am I healing? Is it happening? What’re we doing right now?’  and last night after my D&C I had an entire bag of Haribo gummies and ice cream for dinner.  I am no Earth Mother or Mother of the Earth, I am not Zen or Chill, but RIGHT NOW I WILL USE THE WORDS ‘PATH TO HEALING,’ and boldly declare that going wide with our fertility struggles has comforted me beyond my greatest expectations. Last night, Haribo gummy cherries hanging out of my mouth, I read hundreds of messages received from friends and strangers, bold and honest messages about fertility struggles and successes. AND IT HAS GIVEN ME LIFE. Thank you to all who share and continue to share. Here was mine:

Last weekend, we had our second miscarriage. I know I’m supposed to tuck this away, share with just close family and friends, compartmentalize and get back to work, which I’ve done before. But this time, I’m sharing here to challenge any and all notions that getting pregnant is CHARMING AND ADORABLE AND JOYFUL AND WHIMSICAL, and only these. For us, and for so many other women and couples, it has been a nightmare. It’s long and stressful and expensive and painful and terrifying. I’ve met parts of myself I never knew, gross bits of rage and frustration and jealousy and sadness. My hope and faith have withered. But I’ve also been so moved by the women who have opened up to me about the absurdity and sometimes hilarity of their own losses and journeys. And I want to do anything I can to help remove any of guilt and shame that comes with this horrible yet INCREDIBLY REGULAR thing / 20 PERCENT OF PREGNANCIES END IN MISCARRIAGE / GRIEVING PEOPLE ARE ALL AROUND YOU / HI, I AM ONE OF THEM. I also share this here because I’m longing for any personal stories, things like I had five miscarriages and now my toddler keeps grabbing my phone out of my hand! And / or my uterus is made of construction paper and now it’s full of twins! Or even, I am going through this fucking bullshit too, would you like to get together and throw bottles of wine against a wall? Feel free to DM me. I’m grateful for anything anyone feels like sharing, but mostly grateful for Morrison, who is the most completely amazing partner that has ever lived.

Posted in a dream is a wish your heart makes, a lot, babies, sucking, the future, the making of babies, the whole world, the worst, wanting, what my friends are doing, women, words, worrying | No Comments »

WOE IS NOT YOU

April 29th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

I tend to have way too much empathy for people who perhaps don’t deserve it. In the secret parts of my head, I oftentimes empathize with bigots and murderers and terrorists and people who pee on toilet seats.  But so help me God, I can find NONE EMPATHY for women who are having a hard time conceiving their EIGHT MILLIONTH CHILD, as I so desperately just want ONE. I want to empathize, so bad, as it’s under the same umbrella of sadness that I’ve felt, but even attempting to do so gets me so angry. And so when reading the abyss that is Pregnancy Internet, and I come across a ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me my other nine children are perfectly healthy and I got pregnant with each of them just by drinking a Beer looking at my husband That Way and NOW I CAN’T SEEM TO HAVE MY NINTH CHILD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME’ I feel the opposite of empathy, which is Stab (AND YES, PLEASE NOTE THAT I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO ASK FOR YOUR PITY IF AND WHEN I, AT SOME POINT IN THE FUTURE, HAVE TROUBLE CONCEIVING A CHILD WHEN I ALREADY HAVE ONE, AT WHICH POINT YOU CAN RE-DIRECT ME TO THIS POST.)

Posted in a lot, babies, I am furious, i am scared, i have peace, whining, women | No Comments »

Why I’m Tired

February 2nd, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

I hate it when people are like, I’m so busy and tired, here’s why I’m so busy and tired, and yet, I feel compelled to document the absurdity that was January. And so I’ve gathered these facts, for my own amusement, and maybe yours:

January 4th, my last This is Us episode started pre-production.

Jan 6th, The Cake started rehearsal in NYC.

January 10th-11th, the This is Us writers went to Vegas where I ate all of the tequila and the hotel moaned all night like it was crying, preventing any sort of sleep.

January 12th, I (with consistent help from Morrison, who managed to turn it into a weird game) started shooting myself up with hormones twice a day, in hopes of harvesting some eggs / making us some embryos at the end of the month.

January 15th my episode started filming. I gave myself shots each morning and night, worked 12 hour days, grew increasingly tired and perhaps emotional, but perhaps maybe it’s normal to sob when you pass teachers protesting in the rain? I stole naps when I could. I tried to focus. I humbly ate from whatever trough of mashed potatoes was provided between scenes.

January 21st my episode wrapped.

January 22-27 I spent each day at the doctor, getting bloodwork and ‘wandwork,’ if you will, increasing hormone dosages, crying at fingernails, drinking whole grain goldfish crackers like vitamin water.

January 28th I went under, eggs came out (TO GREAT SUCCESS / MORE ON THAT LATER.)

Jan 29th I flew to NYC with IV tape gum still pulling at my arm hairs to check in with The Cake, watched three days of run-throughs, gave notes,  continued to try and understand and communicate my play, saw some shows, saw some favorite people, ate meatloaf alone, had some meetings about some potentially very exciting new things. Last night, I got to the airport, found an empty outlet, dropped my things, collapsed onto a weird stool and just sat there, and realized, that I was exhausted.

And just for a moment I wondered, Why?

REALLY BEKAH? REALLY? WHY?

And then I realized that I was so tired because my dreams are coming true, sort of slowly and immediately at the same time.  And then I realized that when dreams come true, it’s exhausting. And then I decided: if you’re not careful, you’ll actually  miss your own dreams coming true. You’ll confuse them with fatigue. Then I decided to forever try and associate Tired with dreams coming true. Except of course when I am actually, really just tired, in which case, I will just GO TO SLEEP. GNIGHT, SEE YOU IN MARCH

Posted in a lot, babies, hmmmmm, how interesting, i am a grown up, i am lucky, lies, life, love, MAWWAGE., the future, the making of babies, the writing of drama plays, theater, things | No Comments »

it Has to be Hard

December 4th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

At some point, early on in our relationship, Morrison and I were discussing something that I of course can’t recall. It went something like:

Morrison: I’m loving how easy this element of our combined life and / or relationship is.

Me: Yeah but sometimes, it has to be Hard. 

And ever since, he likes to repeat my own words back to me, when it in fact gets Hard, because of course, sometimes it does. I think what I was trying to say is that I didn’t want to feel like we were just in a relationship because it was easy. I wanted us to choose to be together, despite the Hard stuff. And for the last year,  there has been some Hard stuff. I mean, also the good stuff, like there is House and Family and Most Perfect Cat, there are blessings of Intellect, Careers, Curiosity, and Christmas Lights, and good lord, don’t get me started on microwavable breakfast sausage. But also: we want to be parents, and we are not. (YET.) And that has been Hard. Not knowing why not has been Hard, waiting has been Hard, watching it happen for other people has been Hard.  Yesterday, I underwent a (very routine) procedure (that I will try very hard not to be overdramatic about)  to correct some issues that turns out have been, well, making it Hard for us to conceive (THANK YOU, SCIENCE. MEDICINE? SCIENCE. I DON’T KNOW. I WRITE PLAYS.) And now, on the other side of it, we’re hopeful that 2019 will make us parents, rob us of sleep, turn our home into a teething ring, and other beautifully Hard things that I will surely complain about, PERHAPS EVEN HERE.  And I really can’t wait for that Hard stuff. Because, I mean, a wise Bekah once said, not really realizing what she was saying, or that it would echo through her heart for years to come: IT HAS TO BE HARD. I know for a fact that whenever a small person takes over my body and subsequently, our home, I will appreciate it harder, because it was Hard. So I’m just going to focus, Hard, on that fact.

 

Posted in a dream is a wish your heart makes, a lot, babies, life, love, MAWWAGE., the future, whining, women, worrying, YAY | No Comments »

why to never drink water at a wedding

October 28th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

Note: Though the below might suggest otherwise, I AM staying hopeful and positive that I will someday ‘become a pregnant person,’ as my doctor calls it. I basically just can no longer keep the worry and hilarity of this life phase off of my blog. I’ve tried to keep it off of here, in fear of being over-dramatic or worse, pessimistic, and also just out of respect for the women who have truly been in the thick of this for nine times the amount of days that I have, with greater heartbreak, BUT I MEAN WHY EVEN ELSE HAVE A BLOG / THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT BLOGS ARE FOR / NOW YOU GET TO WORRY ABOUT MY FERTILITY TOO / YOU’RE WELCOME! 

At a friend’s wedding, I decide to switch to water, like just for a minute, because Hydration and Headache. Very nice well-intentioned other friend spots me with said glass of water, and I don’t know, maybe a poorly positioned wrap dress? Perhaps a face swollen from baking my feelings and eating them?  I don’t know. Her eyes light up like Christmas but with a secret, and she rushes to my side.

Friend (furtively:) Are you pregnant?

Me: What? NO. No no no no no no no no (then, approximately 100 more No’s) 

Friend: Oh — God, sorry — I’m so sorry, I just thought —

Me: It’s fine. It’s totally fine. Are you pregnant?

Friend: Um — I don’t think so?

Me: I only ask because recently, it has come to attention that I am the only female person in the entire world and on the entire internet that is not pregnant.  Everyone I went to high school and college with, and their bosses and neighbors and friends, and the people who sell them their groceries and their cars, everyone I’ve ever emailed or envied is pregnant.  Even the moments I’m not pregnant are pregnant with all of the pregnancies I’m not pregnant with.

(A moment.)

Friend: Oh my God. You’re right. I think I’m pregnant. That’s so weird, I wasn’t even trying!

Me: SEE? YOU SEE?!

Friend: Oh God, can I get you some wine?

Me: YES PLZ TEN BUCKETS, AND WITH GREAT HASTE

 

Posted in a lot, babies, generally, ha, hmmmmm, how interesting, i am a grown up, i am lucky, i am scared, life, love, MAWWAGE., oh nooo, the future, tout, trying too hard, whining, women, words, worrying, YAY | No Comments »

KIDNAPPERS.

October 2nd, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

DO NOT BE DECEIVED BY OUR KIND OFFERS TO WATCH YOUR KID

WE WILL ACTUALLY NAP IT

Posted in a lot, babies, YAY | No Comments »

HOW TO CRY ON COMMAND

July 18th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

Some people focus on an unrequited need or traumatic memory or the smell of something their grandmother used to make. ME? I JUST LOOK AT TINY YELLOW DRESSES MADE FOR BABIES. I don’t even need for there to be actual babies wearing them. It’s just the mere sight of the dress.

WHAT’S THAT? YOU’RE NOT SOBBING AND TOUCHING THE SCREEN AND FRANTICALLY GOOGLING OTHER YELLOW DRESSES MADE FOR BABIES? MAYBE CHECK AND MAKE SURE YOU STILL HAVE YOUR HEART

 

Posted in a lot, babies, generally, ha, hmmmmm | No Comments »

WATCH OUT, MORRISON

July 7th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

ALSO WATCH OUT, MY UTERUS

ALSO MAYBE EVERYONE, IN GENERAL, SHOULD JUST WATCH OUT

Posted in a lot, babies, ha, i am a grown up | No Comments »

RARE OCCURENCE IN NATURE

March 25th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

College friends and soul sisters Blaine and Carrie and I barely get to see each other, especially now that I live on the other side of the country and they each had small humans exit their bodies recently. So being together in the same place requires great forethought and planning,  and whenever we manage to make it happen, we take so many pictures it’s like we’re members of a sacred endangered species, like we might soon disappear from the earth, which really, WE MIGHT, AND OTHER DARK THINGS YOU DISCUSS WITH YOUR FRIENDS WHEN YOU’RE 35 BECAUSE YOUR MORTALITY HAS NOW SETTLED AROUND YOU LIKE EVERY SPRAY FROM BATH AND BODY WORKS . We also discussed Pants. Lookit these beautiful Rhinos:

SaveSave

SaveSave

Posted in a lot, babies, family, generally, hmmmmm, how interesting, i am a grown up, i am lucky, i am scared, the whole world, what my friends are doing, worrying, YAY | No Comments »

The semi-annual nibling sweater report

March 5th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

A few moons ago, I found myself filming for two days in a creepy westside mall that seemed to include only a Baby Gap, a pretzel place a store that sold only dream catchers, and memories of walking by Abercrombie and Fitch just to smell it and be smelled. Smelt?  Naturally, I spent my lunch breaks losing my mind in said Baby Gap, and spent basically my wages for the week on sweaters for my niblings. Just  yesterday, I happened to receive status reports of said sweaters from their said parents and just — HERE.

Olivia, in pink:

Luke, in Charlie Brown:

I continue to be obsessed with said sweaters. Is this how said works? You say something, and then you say you said it by saying said before it? ENGLISH WHY ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH YOUR SAID SELF

Posted in a lot, babies, family, ha, hmmmmm, i am lucky, YAY | No Comments »

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