Flash Player Upgrade Required

I don’t really know what this picture has to do with training, but PUPPIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay.

I have one day – today – to train my replacement, teach him in the ways of corporate housing and all of the little fun and / or annoying / sometimes frustrating / sometimes rewarding things that I do. I don’t even know where to begin. I think I will start with: Have coffee. And then: Be nice to people. And: Try and be smart? And: be very good at doing 17 things at once. And: Patience is a virtue. And: they will tell you they want a king sized bed because of their back problems, but it is really that they want their entire family to sleep in their bed, and by their entire family, I mean wife and children and in-laws, which is technically illegal. So just say no. Welcome, new guy!

We’ve got a foot-ish of snow!! Therefore, we are going in late to work, given the dangerous conditions. Now TECHNICALLY, we don’t drive, and our transit is underground, so there’s rarely such a thing as a legitimate snow day. BUT – who wants to trudge through that, sans dogsled or snowmobile? I don’t. I would much rather sit right here.

In related news, yesterday, a man was taking an innocent stroll through central park and was killed by a 100 lb ice=laden tree branch that fell on his head. Another fine reason to not leave the house; more proof of these ‘dangerous conditions.’ In less related news, yesterday, in my mind, I invented the word ‘snowmobike,’ which I thought was hillarious.

Okay, so, I think I just quit my job?! Or rather: told my boss and co-workers that in few month’s time, I will no longer be able to handle both of my jobs, so I’d be slowly making my exit. AHH!!! I should be excited, and I am to an extent, but I am MORESO nervous and scared. I think it’s your run of the mill fear of the unknown that’s currently tying my stomach in knots. What will happen when my $ runs out??  What if I regret the decision??? WHO THE CRAP DO I THINK I AM???

To calm myself, Instead, I will now entertain thoughts of time to write, time to sleep, time to take care of myself, morning spin classes, irrational baking, long trips home and long walks, Springtime and flea markets, time with roommates and boyfriend and friends, finished screenplays, ice cream, more crock pot experiments, arts and crafts, triologies.

Okay, now I am excited.

Fellow peasants, this is the first year I will have to pay taxes to my King, and it ain’t no shillings or bags of rice.  I am deducting as many of my mules, haystacks and as much farm equipment as possible and still owe quite a lot. For the first time ever, I feel these woes. Wait, you want to take my money? But that’s MY money! I EARNED That money!!!  I can hear my Dad chuckling knowingly  from here.

Does anyone understand this jury duty ‘gif?’ I don’t get it. Is it supposed to be funny? Is it funny because she’s going to wear a prom dress to jury duty? I don’t get it.

Anywhoo, here I am. I WOULD be somewhat stoked about getting selected to serve on a jury, for selfish playwriting reasons  (‘AND SO HERE I SIT (or: Jury Duty, a dramedy) By Bekah Brunstetter; the chance to write while I wait.) BUT: there is not an outlet in sit and my computer is almost dead; they yell at you like you are five, and I am bogged down with guilt for missing MORE days of work, after taking off so much time for workshop. But at this point it is definitely out of my control.

Or is it? I’m waiting to be interviewed by an attorney to see if they want me. Heh. Attorneys. I know attorneys. I have an attorney for a Dad. I think I will just tell them of my father-hatred issues and other horrible, insane or racist things.

Or, I will probably be meek and accomodating and start rambling about serving my country.

I will see you in 2 weeks, work.

Dear My co-workers, riding the back of Khalid’s sketchy rape-van, which oftentimes contains random refrigerators or washing machines,

I love you. Thanks for letting me not be there for a few days.

Also, should Aaron be a man model? Aaron should be a man model.

Please note that I am extremely stressed out and my heart is racing and I’m doing too many things and not anything WELL.  and I kind of just want to move home and live under my parent’s bed and never look at another duvet cover or move-in folder ever again.

(Don’t worry, this will pass, I just need to take a deep breath and have some fruit snacks.  But in the meantime: Please continue to feel sorry for me.)

We have small, weird clusters of housewares throughout our office. They form small armies and lurk in corners. In Aaron’s office, the lamps have congegrated. He fears they are moving towards him when he’s not looking. Lurking, plotting our demise.

I love my co-workers. Khalid is from Morrocco, with an Italian wife; Julia seems to be from the Lower East Side? but definitely mostly speaks Spanish. Both speak English, sure, but in that Second sort of way. And so, all sorts of funny things are said. Like just now:

Julia: Don’t forget to give him glass of wine!

Khalid: I’ll be here tommorrow, remember me tommorrow! (looks at me quizically) You fight????

Me:….What?

Khalid: On your face!!!

Me: What? Oh - I have eye make up all over my face, apparently.

Khalid: Eye make-up, how you doin?

Translation:

Julia tells Khalid that the apartment he is inspecting tommorrow is missing a wine glass, and that he should bring it with him. Khalid asks Julia to remind him tommorrow. He then notices that I have eye make up smeared all over my face, giving me the appearance of having recently been in some sort of Fight Club. Confused, I realize it’s eye make up. Khalid responds with ‘How you Doin,’ as this is his response and greeting to everything.

How you doin?

In some strange twist of irony or fate, I had to call the temp agency through which I got my job 2 years ago to hire a temp! And I am in charge of instructing said temp of his/her tasks. I think I will be an extremely merciful and gracious temp-boss, encouraging frequent breaks and personal calls. Or maybe I will be really, really, really mean. (I won’t.)