bekah brunstetter
Bekah Brunstetter I care deeply. About a lot of things. Like really, really deep. Ow
playwright in brooklyn, NY

Path to Healing

May 9th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

I can’t meditate for more than 3 minutes without getting distracted, and the few times I’ve done acupuncture I’ve just laid there watching the clock and wondering things like ‘Am I healing? Is it happening? What’re we doing right now?’  and last night after my D&C I had an entire bag of Haribo gummies and ice cream for dinner.  I am no Earth Mother or Mother of the Earth, I am not Zen or Chill, but RIGHT NOW I WILL USE THE WORDS ‘PATH TO HEALING,’ and boldly declare that going wide with our fertility struggles has comforted me beyond my greatest expectations. Last night, Haribo gummy cherries hanging out of my mouth, I read hundreds of messages received from friends and strangers, bold and honest messages about fertility struggles and successes. AND IT HAS GIVEN ME LIFE. Thank you to all who share and continue to share. Here was mine:

Last weekend, we had our second miscarriage. I know I’m supposed to tuck this away, share with just close family and friends, compartmentalize and get back to work, which I’ve done before. But this time, I’m sharing here to challenge any and all notions that getting pregnant is CHARMING AND ADORABLE AND JOYFUL AND WHIMSICAL, and only these. For us, and for so many other women and couples, it has been a nightmare. It’s long and stressful and expensive and painful and terrifying. I’ve met parts of myself I never knew, gross bits of rage and frustration and jealousy and sadness. My hope and faith have withered. But I’ve also been so moved by the women who have opened up to me about the absurdity and sometimes hilarity of their own losses and journeys. And I want to do anything I can to help remove any of guilt and shame that comes with this horrible yet INCREDIBLY REGULAR thing / 20 PERCENT OF PREGNANCIES END IN MISCARRIAGE / GRIEVING PEOPLE ARE ALL AROUND YOU / HI, I AM ONE OF THEM. I also share this here because I’m longing for any personal stories, things like I had five miscarriages and now my toddler keeps grabbing my phone out of my hand! And / or my uterus is made of construction paper and now it’s full of twins! Or even, I am going through this fucking bullshit too, would you like to get together and throw bottles of wine against a wall? Feel free to DM me. I’m grateful for anything anyone feels like sharing, but mostly grateful for Morrison, who is the most completely amazing partner that has ever lived.

Posted in a dream is a wish your heart makes, a lot, babies, sucking, the future, the making of babies, the whole world, the worst, wanting, what my friends are doing, women, words, worrying | No Comments »

REWRITE

May 6th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

SUGGESTED AMENDMENT TO THIS ANTHEM OF EMPOWERMENT THAT KEEPS CIRCLING MY HEAD:

WHAT DOESN’T KILL YOU MAKES YOU FEEL DEAD.

It’s like technically, you’re alive, but basically, you’re dead. Are you stronger? Maybe. But are you alive enough to act on or appreciate the strength? NOT REALLY / NOT YET. MAYBE TAKE A FEW DAYS TO BE DEAD.

Posted in a lot, the worst, worrying | No Comments »

WHY TO BE CRAZY

April 15th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

I’ll admit that maybe I spend TOO much time in my head playing out worst case scenarios, versions of the world in which things go badly because you did not meticulously plan.  Planning is, or least sometimes can be,  the opposite of Disaster. And so when I heard that we were having our last Charleston meal at Hominy Grill — a fixture known for its fried green tomatoes and sausage gravy — on the SECOND TO LAST WEEKEND BEFORE IT CLOSES FOREVER — naturally, I panicked, assumed that we would never get a table and would have to stand outside of the restaurant in the heat with no water and or bathroom and our life-long friendships would be ruined and we would starve to death and never see our husbands or children ever again. AND SO, I insisted that we get there at LEAST 30 minutes before it opened, at which point I did a drop and roll out of the moving car to the hostess’s stand. The courtyard was already crowded with other like minded people who approach eating at Restaurants like tactical warfare. I shouted my name triumphantly at her, panicked when Blaine and Carrie took over two minutes to return from  parking the car, then hovered by the hostess with a racing heart, assuming she would call my name and I would not hear it.

THE RESULT?

Fried Green Tomatoes with House Ranch

Pork belly black eyed Pea cakes with tomato cumin sauce and poached eggs

HOMEMADE OATMEAL CREME PIES

WHO’S CRAZY NOW?!

(ME /  IT’S STILL ME /  IT WAS ME THE WHOLE TIME)

Posted in food, generally, ha, whining, worrying, YAY | No Comments »

I am Guilty Of

March 14th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

There’s a thing I do, as a contemporary robot person with robot computer phone brain and human heart, that I would like to stop doing. And so, like most things that I don’t enjoy about myself, I’ll lay it here, in hopes of embarrassing myself into Change.  Here it is: I make moral judgements on News Things before I’ve fully read about them. (It’s also a thing that we maybe all do, that maybe we should all stop doing.) I make these judgements quickly, based on a headline or a skim of an article that I cram into a tiny section of unoccupied time,  so I can participate in conversations and outrage and jokes,  so that I don’t feel left out, or alone. But WHAT IF INSTEAD, I waited until I’d thoroughly read up on the Thing,  before making my judgements, adding my commentary? Would I spend more time reading and informing myself, less time commenting? Isn’t my being informed on whatever the thing is more important that whatever commentary I might add which, especially if I’m not informed, is most likely not different from everyone else’s? And DID I JUST FIX THE WORLD?

 

Posted in a lot, arrogant art things, awesome, generally, hmmmmm, how interesting, i am a grown up, the whole world, words, worrying | No Comments »

CAREFULLY LAID PLANS ARE HILARIOUS

February 28th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

Came back to NYC to see Cake one last time before press week, catch up with some friends,  have some meetings,  workshop my next play which is in THE MOST DIRE NEED OF WORK before it goes up in June; but Once I landed, I DECIDED*  TO GET THE FLU INSTEAD BECAUSE THAT JUST SEEMED MORE FUN

* WAS FORCED BY LAUGHING GODS OF TIME; IMMUNE SYSTEM

Posted in ....ew, a lot, whining, working, worrying | No Comments »

Come back

February 15th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

Dear the two People who walked out during my play:

Was it something I said, or didn’t say? What is it something I did?

Is it just me? Or did you just have to pee?

Were you just hungry?

Do you want to be followed? Should I follow you?

Should I follow you home and into your house? Should I ask you to show me your heart?

Should I lean in while you show me?

Should I then get up abruptly and leave?

Would you follow me?

Posted in hmmmmm, the writing of drama plays, theater, whining, worrying | No Comments »

moments of

January 17th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

Lately, on our leisurely (tumultuous) casual (I cry every five minutes) journey towards parenthood, it feels like we can’t seem to get any just like fully good normal news that would give us (me, because Morrison is the best and already has it) confidence that all of this will end well. Through it all, I’m trying my best to stay positive and hopeful and gracious and grateful and present and humble, and grumble and gratesent and posiful. BUT.  I think that  maintaining gratitude and grace in every single moment of one’s life is unattainable, if not completely psychotic. Perpetually positive people are scary and make way too much eye contact. Instead, I think that if you can make it through the day with just a few MOMENTS of grace, a few MOMENTS of actual gratitude and calm, even if you return immediately to a state of jealous rage triggered by YET ANOTHER  PICTURE OF MEGHAN MARKLE EARNESTLY TOUCHING HER BABY BUMP, THEN I SAY YOU ARE DOING LIFE RIGHT.

Posted in famous people stuff, i am lucky, whining, worrying | No Comments »

Self Esteam

December 8th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

Me, to Morrison: There’s some weird steam happening on the side of our house right now. Here’s a video.

Morrison: ….That’s steam. Steam happens when water evaporates. Like when it rains. The sun heats up the water, after….

Me: I mean, I KNOW, but it just seems like a lot of steam.

Morrison: I mean yeah, it is, but it rained a lot, and now it’s very sunny, so —

Me: SCIENCE

Morrison: Yep. Just basically that.

Me: I’M VERY SMART

Morrison: Yes, yes you are.

Me: AND VERY VERY BEAUTIFUL

Morrison: yes, sure —

Me: THE EARTH IS FLAT

Posted in a lot, generally, ha, hmmmmm, LA angst, MAWWAGE., silly, where i want to live, worrying, YAY | No Comments »

it Has to be Hard

December 4th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

At some point, early on in our relationship, Morrison and I were discussing something that I of course can’t recall. It went something like:

Morrison: I’m loving how easy this element of our combined life and / or relationship is.

Me: Yeah but sometimes, it has to be Hard. 

And ever since, he likes to repeat my own words back to me, when it in fact gets Hard, because of course, sometimes it does. I think what I was trying to say is that I didn’t want to feel like we were just in a relationship because it was easy. I wanted us to choose to be together, despite the Hard stuff. And for the last year,  there has been some Hard stuff. I mean, also the good stuff, like there is House and Family and Most Perfect Cat, there are blessings of Intellect, Careers, Curiosity, and Christmas Lights, and good lord, don’t get me started on microwavable breakfast sausage. But also: we want to be parents, and we are not. (YET.) And that has been Hard. Not knowing why not has been Hard, waiting has been Hard, watching it happen for other people has been Hard.  Yesterday, I underwent a (very routine) procedure (that I will try very hard not to be overdramatic about)  to correct some issues that turns out have been, well, making it Hard for us to conceive (THANK YOU, SCIENCE. MEDICINE? SCIENCE. I DON’T KNOW. I WRITE PLAYS.) And now, on the other side of it, we’re hopeful that 2019 will make us parents, rob us of sleep, turn our home into a teething ring, and other beautifully Hard things that I will surely complain about, PERHAPS EVEN HERE.  And I really can’t wait for that Hard stuff. Because, I mean, a wise Bekah once said, not really realizing what she was saying, or that it would echo through her heart for years to come: IT HAS TO BE HARD. I know for a fact that whenever a small person takes over my body and subsequently, our home, I will appreciate it harder, because it was Hard. So I’m just going to focus, Hard, on that fact.

 

Posted in a dream is a wish your heart makes, a lot, babies, life, love, MAWWAGE., the future, whining, women, worrying, YAY | No Comments »

BREAKING THROUGH BARRIERS

November 28th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

Elizabeth recently turned me on to the Nike Running Club App’s collaboration with Headspace, a meditation app which has helped millions of people NOT cry on their lunch breaks.  Andy Puddicome — the British meditation guide whose voice feels like sticking your hands in pudding in a good way — calmly speaks to you, reminds you to take in your surroundings, focus on the positive. Yesterday, I ran to ‘Breaking through Barriers,’ a meditation in YOU GET IT. But hilariously, I chose to jog at the very moment when about seventeen million kids were being walked to school by their parents. And so as Andy puddinged me to not focus on the things standing in my way, but instead stay present —  I LITERALLY BROKE THROUGH BARRIERS OF TINY CHILDREN, which aren’t my barrier, per se, but moreso my goal? But my inability to be positive about it all is, in fact, a barrier. AND SO I BROKE THROUGH IT / DIDN’T EVEN KNOCK ANY OF THEM OVER / ONLY RAN FROM THEM SCREAMING AT MY UTERUS FROM BEHIND MY EYES / SUCCESS!

Posted in a lot, ha, hmmmmm, i am lucky, whining, women, worrying, YAY | No Comments »

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