I’m hearing lots of vitriol re: Betsy DeVos’ appointment and confirmation as Secretary of Education, but lets just try and find the positive and keep our minds there. UNDER BETSY’S LEADERSHIP NO CHILD WILL BE LEFT BEHIND OR LEFT BEHIND AND EATEN BY BEARS, which is a thing, because approximately three, I repeat THREE people each year are killed by bears, and 6 by dogs, and 9 by lightning, and 11,564 by guns. SORRY, BEARS! PERHAPS BLUE APRON?
Surely these are dark times, but we must focus on the GOOD things that have happened in politics during this country’s short life: Lincoln abolished slavery! Roosevelt saved the country from a depression whilst in a wheelchair! Obama was our first black President! And then of course that time someone on the internet photoshopped an accordion between Donald Trump’s hands and then made a video out of it!
FULL VIDEO HERE. YOU OWE IT TO HISTORY TO WATCH.
When Trump called Meryl ‘overrated,’ I just could not stop thinking about how insane that sentiment is, given her accomplishments, and so I wrote a thing about it. I’m a political satirist now OKAY BYYYYYEEEEEEE!
To: info at the Hollywood foreign press dot com.
Bcc: hellomeryl at aol dot com.
Subject: My Lifetime Achievement award dot dot dot.
To Whom it may Concern:
First and foremost, I would like to thank you for the honor of the Cecile B. Demille Lifetime Achievement Award. I saw my acceptance speech as an opportunity to voice to what basically everyone has been thinking. Given what our country has endured over the last few months, it didn’t seem right to take that stage time to thank my mentors and children. I can send them emails and flowers give my children hugs and college tuition. They all know how I feel about them. I tell them daily. I also saw it as an opportunity to bring back bedazzling. Both, I thought, were effective. Until this morning.
This is awkward, but.
This morning I received word that I am ‘one of Hollywood’s most overrated actresses,’ which I first read as ‘Hollywood’s most overrated actress,’ but even though I’m just ‘one of,’ it still stings. I must say, I am deeply embarrassed. I think I can feel the very nudity of Eve. Here I was, parading myself around political fundraisers and charity events and cozy Italian restaurants and sometimes Nordstrom Rack thinking that I was, maybe, I’m embarrassed to admit – a woman of some talent. I’m not supposed to read my own reviews, but who truly does not? Show me an artist who does not secretly read their reviews alone in their bathtub and cry or scream or laugh quietly into the water and I’ll show you a liar. Or at least, an artist more self assured than myself. I once read someone describe me as the best actress of my generation, and I ashamed to admit that I believed it. And I have believed it for quite some time.
Until now. I feel an – inadequacy. A lack thereof. I feel a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10, I feel certainly not hot. Blood coming out of my wherever. I suddenly hate my nose again and it’s been years since I put that to bed. I am a nasty, nasty mess.
And so, after some deep reflection, I have decided that I must humbly give back the Award. I hope you understand. The Lifetime Achievement Award should and must go to an actor who is under-rated, or at the very least regular rated. Not to me.
PS. Just a heads up, I will be sending similar emails to the Emmys, the Oscars, and to The Screen Actor’s Guild, regarding all of those awards, too.
PPS. Oh and also BAFTA, Critics Choice, People’s choice, Cannes, AFI, Kids Choice awards, Elle women in Hollywood, The National Society of Film Critics, the British Independent Film awards, The Palm Spring International film festival. And my honorary Doctors of Arts degrees from both Princeton and Harvard. All going back via UPS mail.
PPS. Oh and the National Medal of Arts. I always forget about that one. OH and the Presidential Medal of Freedom, too. I am not worthy. I will have my hand prints paved over while I’m at it, too. All shall be righted; all shall be returned.
Say what you want about Obama, about what he was actually able to accomplish during his eight years, about how he handled the economy and healthcare, about what he did to taxes, say all of those things, make an angry list, shout them at your television or into your bank account, but at least acknowledge this: while our new president conducts his first press conference like a shareholder meeting, and its contents could basically be boiled down into ‘Nanny nanny boo boo,’ pointing fingers and shifting blame and hiding behind arbitrary stacks of paper arranged carefully so as to scream meaning like the set of high school play, Obama was, and is, a unifier. Last night, he challenged all of us, liberal, conservative, in-between, to stop searching our feeds for information that affirms our own beliefs, but to seek facts. He asked us to consider each other’s points of view, and above all else, to remember our humanity. OH RIGHT, THAT.
* unzips and steps out of empathy and understanding, just for a moment
OUR NEW PRESIDENT’S SENIOR COUNSELOR IS A DANGEROUS WHITE SUPREMACIST WHO HAS PENNED ARTICLES SUCH AS ‘BIRTH CONTROL MAKES WOMEN UNATTRACTIVE AND CRAZY.’ HE HAS CALLED ALL FEMINISTS DYKES. SINCE WE ARE BEING HONEST, SIR, AND UN-PC, AND SAYING WHAT IS ON OUR MINDS, AND NOT CENSORING OURSELVES, AND EXERCISING OUR RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH, THEN I DECLARE YOU A FAT ENTITLED GARBAGE PERSON, WHO WILL SOON BE RECEIVING VATS OF PERIOD BLOOD VIA THE US MAIL. LIKE YOU WILL NOT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO PUT IT. IT WILL FILL UP YOUR LUNGS. YOU WILL DROWN IN IT.
* l0oks at side pile of empathy on the floor. Attempts to put it back on but it’s too full of holes.
To those who are joyous today, I understand that you are frustrated, disenfranchised, desperate for work, for a change that feels real, trying to feed your families, clinging to what you’ve been taught is right, if not a little ignorant as to how to actually change your circumstances. I am, too. I understand the way the government works just about as much as a I get how cars run or electricity happens. I do not have a brain for understanding complex systems. I have a creative, empathic brain that loves humans, good ones and bad ones too, that is constantly questioning why they do what they do. I have built a whole life, and livelihood, around these questions. This sort of brain that God gave me is exactly why I hope that you 1.) get the life that you want for you and your family, and the means with which to give them that life and 2.) that you do so WITHOUT condoning sexual assault of women, without apathy and anger towards those who don’t love exactly like you do, who aren’t from exactly where you’re from. Obama said it this morning. We’re Americans before we’re Republicans or Democrats. But even before that, we are people.
Full and embarrassing disclosure: I haven’t really engaged in previous elections for president, or well, really any at all. Growing up with a Dad in politics, I told myself for years: that’s his realm. It does not concern you. Let him be the one involved in that. We didn’t discuss or debate politics much at home, either, given that my Dad had to deal with that shiz all day, and once home, he just wanted to eat his lasagna in peace. Also, like many Americans: the elections always felt, in a way, like they did not concern me. They felt like pageants, like articles I would read but not get. It’s a privilege of a person with a lot of, well, other privileges: to feel so safe and protected, that they do not need to engage. But this election feels at once personal and scary, on so many levels. With this shirt purchased from Hillary’s campaign, color me officially locked in. Active. Engaged. I AM SO VERY WITH HER.
I can’t stop looking at Khizr Khan’s copy of the US constitution and how worn it is. SHOULDN’T WE ALL HAVE A COPY? SHOULDN’T ALL OF OUR COPIES BE THIS WORN?!
I know that we are meant to focus NOT on What Hillary Wore, but instead on her convictions (“Do all the good you can, for all the people you can, in all the ways you can, as long as ever you can”) and her supporters (this father), but: she wore white.
Women wear white for weddings, aggressively after memorial day, to clam bakes if those are actually a thing, on rare days when we feel brand new, on boats, but also in the women’s suffrage movement:
and also WHEN THEY ACCEPT THE NOMINATION AS THE CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.
It’s official: with Trump’s selection of Pence, our politics are officially an SNL sketch about a president hopeful who picks a likable, milky, man sized puppet doll (WITH SCARY HIDDEN FANGS) as his running mate, sits him on his knee, moves his voice through him, just to get the evangelical vote, regardless of his actual intentions. You don’t even have to watch the whole thing to cringe / be terrified / google How to Live in Countries that are not Here. Just watch these Outtakes.