After trying numerous (albeit drug store) brands of lipstick / stain, I am convinced that there is no such thing as a lipstick that does NOT make you look like you literally ate a bunch of lipsticks for lunch, then took all of the lipstick crumbs that fell out of your mouth and then rubbed those around your mouth and onto your teeth. I must conclude that when you see a woman with nice looking lipstick that is only on her lips, she has actually just implanted a device in every single other person’s eyes that projects digital color onto the lip part of her face, because there is LITERALLY NO OTHER EXPLANATION.
LOOK AT MY BODY
IT’S GOT CURVES AND NOT CURVES IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES
ALSO IT’S GOT MY INTESTINES INSIDE OF IT
- Pay your rent
- Fly to europe and back
- turn it into pennies and fill a kiddie pool and duck tales your way through it every morning before work
- PURCHASE THESE WORST SHOES EVER FOUND ON THE INTERNET, THE ‘GUCCI ZEBRA PUMP’
- Find the person who invented a shoe with hair coming out the back of it / have them shipped off to space
Start simply, with your basic preferences. Gold or silver? Thin or thick? Diamonds or solid band? Lastly, what compliments your engagement ring, if you plan to wear it every day? Once you have narrowed it down, FIND EVERY RING THAT FITS THE PARAMETERS AND PURCHASE EVERY SINGLE ONE AND STACK THEM ON YOUR WEDDING FINGER UNTIL IT CAN NO LONGER BEND. ONCE THAT FINGER IS FULL, MOVE ONTO OTHER FINGERS. WHEN YOU ARE OUT OF FINGERS, GROW ANOTHER HAND. WEAR ALL OF THE BEAUTIFUL RINGS BECAUSE HOW CAN ONE BE EXPECTED TO SELECT ONLY ONE RING, I MEAN I SELECTED ONE MAN FROM THE UNIVERSE TO BE MY HUSBAND, IS THAT NOT ENOUGH? MUST I REALLY KEEP DECIDING THINGS?!
Sometimes, one must exchange one’s usual world and routine for a blue wig and spend the day frolicking around Ru Paul’s Drag Con, putting glitter all over your face, chasing around a particular queen for a picture because she bears an uncanny resemblance to your ex-boyfriend.
I wish I was a tiny french woman whose pants hang off her like drapes, who subsists only off of cigarettes and the occasional pain au chocolat but she never gets cancer and only ever smells of lavender. At night she folds herself into an envelope and slides herself into a book of 19th century poetry. But je suis American. Je suis made of cereal and crayons and corn. My pants hug my hips like shrink-wrap, my form shoving against the fabric, hips made of marshmallows and old receipts. At night I tuck myself into an empty bag of goldfish crackers. I nuzzle deep into the crumbs and dream of France.
There is a movement happening right now, you know, culturally and politically, in which people are doing Google image searches of their first names and Glamour Shots and seeing what comes up, and WHO AM I TO RESIST A MOVEMENT. I’ll just leave a few of my favorites below.
I definitely don’t want or need to talk about how much time I just spent in a dressing room while I was supposed to be shopping for OTHER PEOPLE staring at myself in a Navy Blazer, wondering if I was finally the sort of woman who needs a Blazer, and wait am I finally a woman now? and I guess I am now a woman, and so maybe I need a Blazer for Meetings but I don’t really have that many Meetings, WHY DO I NOT HAVE MORE MEETINGS? I should have more of those, maybe I would if I had a Blazer, but no wait Blazers are a sign of togetherness and a writer must have a certain sort of aloof torture, an edge, hair in her eyes and something that might be paint or blood beneath one of her nails, a writer with a soul and things to say does not wear BLAZERS, am I too together, do I have nothing to say? What is that beneath my nail? Is it cookie dough? It’s cookie dough, so I should probably not get this Blazer, but instead just wear an apron around as pants. Distinctive, memorable. THAT MAKES SENSE, RIGHT?
NEVER SHOULD YOU EVER SPEND 80 DOLLARS ON A SHIRT
NEVER IN THE WORLD
UNLESS OF COURSE IT IS ALMOST YOUR BIRTHDAY AND WELL THE SHIRT IS REALLY VERY SOFT AND VERSATILE AND YOU’LL WEAR IT ALL THE TIME AND DID I MENTION HOW SOFT IT IS, LIKE LINEN ALMOST, AND YOU WORK VERY HARD SO MAYBE IT’S OKAY SOMETIMES TO SPEND TOO MUCH MONEY ON SOMETHING AND REALLY, ARE YOU NOT INVESTING IN THE QUALITY OF THE ITEM AS OPPOSED TO GRABBING SOMETHING FOR TEN BUCKS AT TARGET THAT WILL TURN TO PAPER TOWELS AFTER ONE WASH? ISN’T, IT THEN, A SIGN OF WISDOM, OF MATURITY, THAT YOU ARE HAVING THE FORESIGHT TO INVEST IN SOMETHING MORE ETERNAL?
….ONLY THEN IS IT OKAY
JUST THAT ONE TIME
Nearing my 32nd year on earth, I finally understand that even if a clothing thing looks cute, if it requires you to ask a friend to come with you everytime you have to pee to help you get in and out of the thing, DO NOT GET THE THING.