Folks, if you’re just tuning in / playing along from home: we are in fact leaving on our honeymoon TOMORROW instead of YESTERDAY. Also, this is a terrible game show. There are no prizes. Maybe find something else to do. Other announcements related to the trip that I am going on, but YOU are not going on, so why do I force you to ride the waves of its drama with me?!: I’m not bringing my computer. Huge, I know. While I COULD get some cool staged pictures of myself ‘working,’ I am more excited to disconnect from my beast friend for a few days for the first time in years and years. I have nightmares monthly that I leave it somewhere. I will now do so on purpose, open my brain back up, confront my bad handwriting, force myself to not google my own thoughts, but instead just have them. The real question: will I blog? I can do so from my phone. And so, PROBABLY.
LET’S JUST SAY COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL FOR EXAMPLE THAT YOU’RE GOING ON YOUR HONEYMOON WHICH ONLY HAPPENS ONCE IN YOUR LIFE AND YOU PLANNED IT MONTHS AGO AND NOW SUDDENLY TIME HAS MOVED AND YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE TONIGHT. And maybe you just realized a few weeks ago that your destination of choice, Bali, is in fact enduring its ‘wet season’ during your visit month of choice, and then maybe you look at the forecast seconds before you leave and discover that it’s basically going to look like this the entire time:
And you feel dumb. You also feel disappointed. BUT ALSO YOU FEEL RESOURCEFUL. Also you know how to use the internet. Also you have a husband who is patient and less neurotic, and also you’ve been paid handsomely for your work, as of late. WHY BE PAID HANDSOMELY, IF AT ALL, IF YOU DON’T EVERY NOW AND THEN, LIGHT A LITTLE BIT OF IT ON FIRE TO LAST MINUTE CHANGE YOUR TRIP TO THIS INSTEAD?
PS, we’re off to Hua Hin, Thailand, instead, BECAUSE B.
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ATTN: PEOPLE WITH BOOBS. Today, on we Live in the Future: instagram will now tell you when you need a new bra and where to get it. It will also tell you which overnight bags and shoes and lip gloss and also you know, what a girl you went to high school with who you have not talked to in sixteen years had for lunch, so you know, also still the basics. Listen to instagram. Maybe it’s the Russians swaying your opinion or maybe its just an actually effective, non-scary algorithm that directs you to things that do fit your style and needs based on a quick scan of every picture you’ve ever posted. WHO KNOWS! This bra brand LIVELY started following me, and after a few days of pictures of pretty, laid back torsoes, I succumbed, and clicked, and purchased. And you guys (more specifically: girls) THEY ARE THE BEST BRAS I HAVE EVER OWNED. They are soft and supportive and simple and sleek. (If you have the kind of sweater cows that cause back problems, that people stop to look at, I cannot help you, but for my average lot, they do me just fine.) TRY A ONE TODAY PLEASE OKAY! - RUSSIA
Why is this so normal now? Yesterday, when a young Muslim man at Ohio State rammed his car into Pedestrians then started slashing at them with a knife, until the cops shot and killed him — the whole country went ….Meh. You could feel it. Well first maybe a Phew. Then a solid….Meh. The above picture really chills me. Oh, terrorist attack, potential shooter, okay cool, stack the chairs and barricade the door, check texts. Stay calm. Oh, he’s dead? Okay cool.
Is it just me, or does Christmas this year feel like some elaborate ploy to distract us from a nightmare? Doesn’t it feel like goggles strapped to our heads, headphones shoved over our ears to drown out the sounds of drilling? Isn’t it like red and green gas seeping under the door to make us so lightheaded our feet hang just above the lava? BUT ALSO LOOK AT MY CHRISTMAS RECORDS NOW I GET TO LISTEN TO ALL OF THEM ALL MONTH OMG
I am choosing to spend today’s lunch break looking at pictures of bread pudding so that I might find the perfect one to make for Thanksgiving instead of going deeper into the horror of the internet world because I CHOOSE MY CHOICE, I CHOOSE MY CHOICE
* unzips and steps out of empathy and understanding, just for a moment
OUR NEW PRESIDENT’S SENIOR COUNSELOR IS A DANGEROUS WHITE SUPREMACIST WHO HAS PENNED ARTICLES SUCH AS ‘BIRTH CONTROL MAKES WOMEN UNATTRACTIVE AND CRAZY.’ HE HAS CALLED ALL FEMINISTS DYKES. SINCE WE ARE BEING HONEST, SIR, AND UN-PC, AND SAYING WHAT IS ON OUR MINDS, AND NOT CENSORING OURSELVES, AND EXERCISING OUR RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH, THEN I DECLARE YOU A FAT ENTITLED GARBAGE PERSON, WHO WILL SOON BE RECEIVING VATS OF PERIOD BLOOD VIA THE US MAIL. LIKE YOU WILL NOT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO PUT IT. IT WILL FILL UP YOUR LUNGS. YOU WILL DROWN IN IT.
* l0oks at side pile of empathy on the floor. Attempts to put it back on but it’s too full of holes.
Q.) Does anyone actually care about / want to hear long re-tellings of anyone else’s dreams?
A.) YES, YOU, ABOUT MINE.
The other night, while safely tucked into a microwave sized hotel room in Manhattan, I dreamt that I was in a meeting to pitch a TV show or something and we were all wearing pencil skirts like business women. Then suddenly this cloud of shame and despair pushed through the windows and shoved its way into the room, and the tone shifted. One of the women slipped on a men’s blazer, and leveled with me across the larger desk. You have cancer, she said. She then explained that I was made of tiny legos and that basically, one fourth of every lego that made me was cancerous. She then slipped me a sheet of paper. This is your itinerary for your chemotherapy appointments. I took the paper, looked it over, all the times and dates. I slid the paper back to her. No, sorry. I don’t have time to have cancer. I got up to leave. They tried to stop me but they couldn’t. That’s not how this works. But I opened the door, and stepped into nothing. Sorry, I don’t have time.
To those who are joyous today, I understand that you are frustrated, disenfranchised, desperate for work, for a change that feels real, trying to feed your families, clinging to what you’ve been taught is right, if not a little ignorant as to how to actually change your circumstances. I am, too. I understand the way the government works just about as much as a I get how cars run or electricity happens. I do not have a brain for understanding complex systems. I have a creative, empathic brain that loves humans, good ones and bad ones too, that is constantly questioning why they do what they do. I have built a whole life, and livelihood, around these questions. This sort of brain that God gave me is exactly why I hope that you 1.) get the life that you want for you and your family, and the means with which to give them that life and 2.) that you do so WITHOUT condoning sexual assault of women, without apathy and anger towards those who don’t love exactly like you do, who aren’t from exactly where you’re from. Obama said it this morning. We’re Americans before we’re Republicans or Democrats. But even before that, we are people.
I SUSPECT SOMETHING HUGE IS HAPPENING TODAY, BUT INSTEAD OF OBSESSING OVER IT OR TALKING ABOUT IT BECAUSE I MEAN WHAT IS THERE THAT’S LEFT TO SAY, LET’S ALL JUST TAKE DEEP BREATHS AND LOOK AT THIS PICTURE THAT MY COUSIN JUST SENT ME OF ME IN A BEARD AND MORRISON IN CAT EARS