I am choosing to spend today’s lunch break looking at pictures of bread pudding so that I might find the perfect one to make for Thanksgiving instead of going deeper into the horror of the internet world because I CHOOSE MY CHOICE, I CHOOSE MY CHOICE
OH SO YOU THOUGHT I WAS DONE WITH WEDDING TALK? NO MA’AM. I have a head cold that just won’t quit and stress and fatigue just in general, but what I also have is THIS MOMENT WHEN I HID IN AN OFFICE WITH MY BRIDESMAIDS BEFORE WALKING UP THE AISLE, SIPPING TEQUILA AND SHOVING PEANUT M&Ms AND GOLDFISH CRACKERS INTO MY FACE AND I NEVER FELT SO BEAUTIFUL.
Today, on When Humans have Too Much Time on their Hands:
I HAVE SOMEHOW MANAGED TO LIVE MY ENTIRE LIFE UP UNTIL THIS VERY DAY WITH NO KNOWLEDGE OF THIS WONDERFULLY HORRIBLE THANKSGIVING TURKEY CAKE, WHICH IS FILLED WITH CANDY CORN, AND PUKES CINNAMON APPLES.
GOOD AFTERNOON, and welcome back to the joyful spin cycle in my head! Today, the decor. When you wed beneath fall foliage, you really don’t need much, so we just went with some simple Decorative Wedding signs (lovingly crafted by Morrison’s awesome bro John and his wife, Jacy):
And then some simple basic everyday framed pictures of Cracker at every table.
We also put bowls of skittles at each table because skittles. Our florist is the kind of gal who simply picks mountain wild flowers the day before and brings them over, so that the whole thing seems like a beautiful coincidence. Here’s the main big guy that my Dad HAPPILY loaded on his truck when my Mom attempted to take it home and preserve it, and even more happily took it back off when it definitely didn’t fit:
As for the cake, I just so happen to have gone to high school with a phenomenal baker, Jessica. She made three beautiful chocolate pound cakes, one of which we ate with our hands the next day, another of which we will eat with our hands in one year:
New Years, a few years back, Morrison and I spent an absurd amount of time dreaming up a cobbler truck business, with eight very specific flavors with very specific names. And so, we also went the cobbler route at the reception. Jessica made these wondrous mini jars of rosemary blackberry and peach ginger cobbler:
Guests dumped the cobblers over vanilla ice cream, like the perfect kind that comes from a bucket. Special thanks to our other high school friend, Missy, for helping make the table look like PINTEREST COME TO LIFE THAT ALSO YOU CAN EAT.
They say the day after your wedding, you will collapse into a sea of feelings and exhaustion. We are pretty much the same, except the sea is made of ALL THE SNACKS THAT PEOPLE LEFT BEHIND IN THEIR CABINS, and my personal ‘collapse’ is more of a ‘let’s see how many things I have been depriving myself of can I happily force into my body in one sitting OH LOOK THERE IS STILL SOME CAKE.’ It’s genuinely the best feeling ever. It is just bliss. I feel taken, calm, provided for and warm and secure and safe and MAYBE THIS IS WHAT IT IS TO HAVE CARBS IN YOUR BODY.
I am horrified but also sort of delighted to admit that I am currently partaking in a thing called ‘The Bikini Cleanse.’ Basically, you start your day with smoothie for breakfast that kind of tastes like an Orange Julius science experiment. You then drink fish tanks and fish tanks full of water. For lunch you eat some turkey meat wrapped around some cucumber spears. For dinner, you eat a half fist sized of chicken and some ‘fun veggies’. Between meals you sip on Bikini sticks which is basically raspberry flavored crack cocaine dissolved into water that makes you feel like you are naked an on speed and trapped beneath an iceberg in the middle of the Atlantic ocean. After dinner, you get to drink your Bikini Tea, the final detox step that makes your insides go outside of your body. You of course abstain from sugar / alcohol / snacks and you know, all joy in life. The best / worst part are the daily affirmations. Like on the first day, I had to keep telling myself I was a warrior. Day two, I was FABULOUS. On this fine fourth day, I would like to please amend the affirmations.
Day 1: I am determined
Day 2: I am a cliche
Day 3: I am a murderer
Day 4: I AM SOBBING
Day 5: I am pizza
Day 6: You are pizza too
Day 7: Absolutely everything is pizza
All snark aside, I actually feel pretty great, and I’m fairly certain I’ve lost 10 pounds in four days. BRING ON THE WHITE GOWN AND PASSED TRAYS OF BABY QUICHE!
We had the honor of being included in a Rosh Hoshanah dinner last night, and my main take away, other than the weird and beautiful feeling the sung prayers gave me: LORD, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING SNICKERDOODLE MAC N CHEESE ALL MY LIFE, READ: KUGEL, WITH ITS LAYERS OF PASTA AND CINNAMON AND EVERYTHING IN THE DAIRY CASE CAREFULLY PILLOWED IN A PAN?
OH, IN THAT OTHER RELIGION THAT IS IN FACT IN MY BLOOD AND HISTORY THAT MY GRANDMOTHER, BLESS HER HEART, KEPT TRYING TO TEACH ME ABOUT? OKAY COOL SEE YOU IN SYNAGOGUE.
The other night I made us halibut, and Morrison Keddie suffered hours of my workshopping the perfect halibut joke. (Spoiler: none of them work. Just don’t even try. Not even ‘halibut what if you didn’t.’) And now, it is a mere 30 DAYS TIL I WED THIS KED. SEE WHAT I DED THERE? QUICK, TIME, HURRY, SO I CAN SEAL THE DEAL BEFORE HE CALLS IT OFF BECAUSE PUNS
Me: I think I can’t wait til we’re old.
Me: I was behind this middle aged couple at the play the other night, and they seemed so happy.
Morrison: Yeah? Why?
Me: They seemed really calm and like their kids were grown and out of the house. Like they just shop for cheeses and have people over for dinner and drink wine and eat lots of cheese and go to plays.
Morrison: So you’re excited to be old because cheese.
Morrison: Yep. That checks out.