bekah brunstetter
Bekah Brunstetter I care deeply. About a lot of things. Like really, really deep. Ow
playwright in brooklyn, NY

why to never drink water at a wedding

October 28th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

Note: Though the below might suggest otherwise, I AM staying hopeful and positive that I will someday ‘become a pregnant person,’ as my doctor calls it. I basically just can no longer keep the worry and hilarity of this life phase off of my blog. I’ve tried to keep it off of here, in fear of being over-dramatic or worse, pessimistic, and also just out of respect for the women who have truly been in the thick of this for nine times the amount of days that I have, with greater heartbreak, BUT I MEAN WHY EVEN ELSE HAVE A BLOG / THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT BLOGS ARE FOR / NOW YOU GET TO WORRY ABOUT MY FERTILITY TOO / YOU’RE WELCOME! 

At a friend’s wedding, I decide to switch to water, like just for a minute, because Hydration and Headache. Very nice well-intentioned other friend spots me with said glass of water, and I don’t know, maybe a poorly positioned wrap dress? Perhaps a face swollen from baking my feelings and eating them?  I don’t know. Her eyes light up like Christmas but with a secret, and she rushes to my side.

Friend (furtively:) Are you pregnant?

Me: What? NO. No no no no no no no no (then, approximately 100 more No’s) 

Friend: Oh — God, sorry — I’m so sorry, I just thought —

Me: It’s fine. It’s totally fine. Are you pregnant?

Friend: Um — I don’t think so?

Me: I only ask because recently, it has come to attention that I am the only female person in the entire world and on the entire internet that is not pregnant.  Everyone I went to high school and college with, and their bosses and neighbors and friends, and the people who sell them their groceries and their cars, everyone I’ve ever emailed or envied is pregnant.  Even the moments I’m not pregnant are pregnant with all of the pregnancies I’m not pregnant with.

(A moment.)

Friend: Oh my God. You’re right. I think I’m pregnant. That’s so weird, I wasn’t even trying!

Me: SEE? YOU SEE?!

Friend: Oh God, can I get you some wine?

Me: YES PLZ TEN BUCKETS, AND WITH GREAT HASTE

 

Posted in a lot, babies, generally, ha, hmmmmm, how interesting, i am a grown up, i am lucky, i am scared, life, love, MAWWAGE., oh nooo, the future, tout, trying too hard, whining, women, words, worrying, YAY | No Comments »

dressues

October 6th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

-Me: I need a dress for that thing next week, at which I must look like an effortless adult person who is Polished and Poised without trying too Hard.

  • spends (wastes) hours online looking at dresses
  • perhaps orders a few, spends (wastes) money and also time on trying them on, returning them
  • forlorn, looks in own closet
  • Sees 900 DRESSES, MOST OF WHICH ARE PERFECTLY APPROPRIATE FOR EVENT.
  • realizes that this isn’t just about Dresses
  • the answer is always (usually) right in front of you
  • Like really, you can search the world (internet) but you will just end up back at Home

Posted in a lot, DRESSES!!!!!!!!!!!!, ha, hmmmmm, whining, women, working, worrying, YAY | No Comments »

a thing that I should not be doing

October 4th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

I just realized a completely psychotic thing that I’ve been doing, and I think I’ll lay it here, in hopes of embarrassing myself just enough to stop doing it. I keep thinking about old pairs of jeans that don’t fit anymore, as if they’re people I used to love. I imagine the moments I had with them. I ponder what my life would be like if I still could wear them. I wonder where they are now. I literally sigh after these thoughts. NOW THAT I’VE CONFESSED THIS, PEOPLE LET ME FOREVER STOP CONFUSING PEOPLE AND CLOTHES.

Posted in a lot, ha, hmmmmm, what i am NOT wearing, what I'm wearing, whining, worrying | No Comments »

CRINKLE PARTY OF ONE

September 15th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

DEAR THEATER PATRON WHO CAME TO MY PLAY LAT NIGHT TO LITERALLY JUST SIT THERE CRINKLING A PLASTIC BAG DURING THE QUIETEST MOMENTS:

THERE ARE MAYBE OTHER PLACES TO CRINKLE YOUR BAG. SUGGESTIONS:

  • A SOUNDPROOF ROOM
  • YOUR OWN HOUSE
  • THE MOON
  • NOT AT MY PLAY

Posted in the writing of drama plays, whining | No Comments »

SCENE FROM BEGUILING HOLLYWOOD LIFE

September 13th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

Me, this morning,  frantically shouting at my agent’s assistant through my phonecar: HEY, SORRY, WHERE IS THIS MEETING?

Agent’s Assistant:…Joan’s on Third.

Me: YES I KNOW, BUT WHERE IS IT

Agent’s Assistant: on Third.

Me: BUT WHAT STREET?

Agent’s Assistant:…..On third.

Me: WHAT?

Agent’s Assistant: …Third Street.

(Beat.)

Me: OH RIGHT SORRY. I’VE HIT JUST A LITTLE BIT OF TRAFFIC JUST PLEASE JUST GIVE THEM A HEADS UP THAT I’LL BE SEVEN AND A HALF HOURS LATE. PLEASE APOLOGIZE FOR ME, AND HAVE THEM ORDER ME A DECAF ALMOND MILK LATTE, AND A SMALL CABIN TUCKED IN THE MOUNTAINS OF NORTH CAROLINA, PERHAPS BY A STREAM, WHERE I CAN LIVE OUT MY DAYS AND NEVER HAVE TO GET IN A CAR OR SPEAK ON A PHONECAR EVER, EVER AGAIN.

Agent’s Assistant: Will do?

Me: WAIT, WHICH THIRD

Posted in a lot, how interesting, i am a grown up, I write for television?, LA angst, whining, YAY | No Comments »

things to do during an MRI

September 7th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

  • Plan Thanksgiving
  • Take deep, restorative breaths
  • No, really, plan every moment and every interaction and every bite of food of Thanksgiving
  • MORE DEEP RESTORATIVE BREATHS
  • NO BUT REALLY WTF IS THAT SOUND
  • MAYBE I’LL PUT SAUSAGE AND TOASTED PECANS IN THE STUFFING THAT WOULD BE NICE, PEOPLE WILL LIKE THAT CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK
  • NO REALLY, I’M REALLY ASKING, WHAT IS ACTUALLY MAKING THAT NOISE
  • WHY AM I WEARING A HOCKEY MASK

Posted in a lot, hmmmmm, how interesting, i am a grown up, whining | No Comments »

Bee Well

August 30th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

Today, on the inner workings of my desperate attempts to Get my Brain and Health back:

JUST GONNA START CASUALLY EATING BEE POLLEN. YEP JUST GONNA POP THAT BEE SALIVA AND THE STUFF THAT FORMS ON BEES, SO I GUESS BEE SKIN, JUST GONNA PUT IT RIGHT IN MY MOUTH AND HOPE THAT IT GOES TO MY STOMACH, TURNS INTO ACTUAL BEES, AND THAT THOSE BEES FORM AN ARMY THAT SWARM AND TRAVEL UP MY THROAT AND FIGHT THE HOT ANGRY BEES IN MY HEAD TO THE DEATH. THIS IS HOW BEE POLLEN WORKS RIGHT? RIGHT? IF YOU NEED ME I’LL BE IN THE CORNER, SWALLOWING KNIVES

 

Posted in a lot, whining | No Comments »

Natural Remedies

August 28th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

I am 2.5 weeks into whatever this migraine / sinus / allergy brain fog situation is, which feels like approximately one day short of forever. Having snorted all of the Sudafed and prescription nasal decongestants in East Los Angeles, I am desperately turning to Natural Remedies, such as:

  • sticking my face over bowls of hot water
  • Eucalyptus and Oregano oil
  • standing alone in the kitchen at work eating whole cookies but in sections, walking away, walking back, eating more sections of cookies
  • going to acupuncture, finding it a bit calming if not forever-taking for 45 minutes, REALIZING I LOST MY WALLET AND THEN PANICKING ABOUT HOW TO PAY THE ACUPUNCTURIST
  • SHOUTING AT ALEXA TO PLAY ENYA THE MOMENT I GET HOME

Posted in a lot, ha, hmmmmm, whining, worrying | No Comments »

how to use a neti pot

August 24th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

For the last few weeks, I’ve been dealing with some vertigo and lightheadedness (are those the same thing?) that are potentially being caused by sinus stuff, which has lead me to straight to my LIFELONG SWORN ENEMY, THE NETI POT. I know that there are far more dangerous and interesting adversaries, but for whatever reason, I have always told myself I would NEVER take a tiny whimsical teapot full of salt water and dump and it through my nose. AND YET, HERE WE ARE. And so for those of you who have experienced similar trepidation, here’s a quick how to:

  1. Take Neti Pot out of box, stare at it for a few minutes, try and focus on its adorable qualities
  2. Read all of the instructions about ten times, focus on the parts that are like ‘if you put the wrong kind of water in in you will permanently burn and scar your nasal cavity’
  3. Spend an hour boiling and cooling water so as to not burn or scar or poison or ruin your nasal cavity
  4. Fill adorable pot with water, saline packet
  5. Stare at it for another ten minutes, brace yourself for what you’re about to do
  6. Lean over a sink, tilt your head to the left, stick the thing in your other nostril, pour until ‘a gentle stream starts to come out of the other side’ but really
  7. FEEL LIKE YOU’RE DROWNING REALLY IT ALL FEELS LIKE YOU’RE DROWNING AND NOW THE STREAM IS COMING BUT IT’S MORE LIKE A TORTURE DRIP AND OH GOD NOW IT’S COMING OUT OF YOUR EYES, WHAT IS THAT, ARE THOSE TEARS? ARE YOU CRYING SNOT? OH GOD
  8. THROW NETI POT ACROSS ROOM
  9. WAIT 45 MINUTES
  10. REPEAT ON OTHER SIDE

Posted in a lot, ha, hmmmmm, whining | No Comments »

that tiny, delicate life

August 18th, 2018 by Bekah Brunstetter

  • purchases tiny, delicate necklace  for every day wear, in hopes of being a tiny, delicate person that just floats around like a whisper, dotted with diamonds the size of molecules
  • manages to wear it for about four months
  • in a moment of complete non-delicacy, HULKS OUT AND YANKS ON NECKLACE LIKE IT’S MADE OF CHAINS USED TO CAPTURE WHALES; SNAPS NECKLACE IN HALF
  • searches for another, CYCLE CONTINUES

Posted in a lot, generally, ha, things that I Have, tout, trying too hard, whining, women | No Comments »

« Previous Entries Next Entries »