bekah brunstetter
Bekah Brunstetter I care deeply. About a lot of things. Like really, really deep. Ow
playwright in brooklyn, NY

Looking Back

December 30th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

I was scrolling back through my year, by which I mean pictures on my phone, in preparation for some sort of 2019 Top 9 type post (mine usually become more like Top 81, as I can never pick) and I realized that I was spending much more mental energy obsessing over how thin or not thin I was in the pictures, than I was reveling in my accomplishments / adventures. (The above picture, from Jan 2019, makes me ANGRY, because I think I felt fat? But I am way more cupcake-y, even since then.) Two years of fertility treatments and failed pregnancies and baking and eating and drinking ALL OF MY FEELINGS means I have basically gained the amount of weight one gains when one actually has a baby, yet I currently have no baby to show for it. My jeans are stacked like unread books in my closet. I don’t even look at them anymore. I should be easy on my myself, but it’s hard. I spent my delicate formative years very overweight and hating myself for it, and then MORE formative years jogging and counting and spinning and restricting. It’s hard for me to just accept that my body has changed and that it’s not the end of the world. But, also, it’s not as hard and I thought it might be? Because I know it doesn’t matter as much as I once thought it did. Because I don’t have the space to care? Because I’m basically happy, and well-fed? Because there is a time to worry about how much one’s gut cupcakes when one sits down, and then there is a time for self-care, for self-kindness, for Doritos, for mercy.

Posted in DRESSES!!!!!!!!!!!!, how interesting, life, the making of babies, whining, women, YAY | No Comments »

NAILS OF MY SOUL

December 16th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

If I were to name the color of the inside of my heart right now EXACTLY, it would be:

Dark of Black, White of Optimism, Gray of the Middle, POLKA DOT ADORABLE TRYING

Posted in things that I Have, trying too hard, whining, women, words, YAY | No Comments »

Me, and how I’m Crazy

December 14th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

I’m taking a break through the holidays from worrying and obsessing about getting pregnant, or at least this is what I’m telling myself, if not shouting at myself. It mostly involves frantic compartmentalization, which makes me very fun at parties. I was at a Christmas party this other night, and a lovely woman who I know socially but not super well, arrived, and my brain immediately did this, in quick succession:

  • There is a new round glow to her face
  • Why is she wearing a baggy sweater
  • IS THAT A SLIGHT BULGE I SEE BENEATH HER SWEATER
  • IT IS, IT IS A BULGE
  • THIS BITCH IS PREGNANT
  • THE ENEMY IS UPON US
  • RUN BEKAH RUN
  • RUN TOWARDS THE NEAREST EXIT
  • DON’T START CRYING UNTIL YOU REACH YOUR CAR
  • DON’T LET ANYONE SEE IN YOUR EYES EVERYTHING THAT JUST HAPPENED
  • PRETEND NONE OF IT HAPPENED
  • RESTORE RESTORE RESTORE
  • AVOID AVOID AVOID
  • CHUG WINE LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW AND NO HUMANS GROWING INSIDE OF YOU BECAUSE THERE ARE NOT

Posted in generally, ha, hmmmmm, holidays, oh nooo, whining, women, YAY | No Comments »

Fresh Out

November 30th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

This Thanksgiving / Holiday season, I’ve noted a fun new festive quality in myself: COMPLETE AND UTTER VOID OF PATIENCE TO VIOLENT AND SOBBING DEGREES. While we were at Leatherwood, a mixup with our bank led to our mortgage payment not going through, and I had to wait, you know, 24 hours to be able to call them and sort it out, and so naturally, I lost my mind and I’m pretty sure I threw my phone on the floor. Last night, flying back to LA, my stupid entertainment screen did not work, nor did the internet, and so I slammed up my tray table and made sure Morrison and the entire airplane knew that my screen was not working, and it just wasn’t fair, because everyone else’s screens were working, and so MY screen should be working, WHY does everyone else get to watch a Seth Rogan movie while I have to sit in screaming airplane silence? (I should note that Morrison traded seats with me, because he is the best, and completely fine with the fact that he married a tall Baby. I then, you know. Watched a movie, as was my HUMAN RIGHT.) Obviously these big baby tantrums have nothing to do with money, or mortgage, or transfers, or movies, or air, and completely everything to do with my overall frustration with inability to control our baby quest, despite all of my attempts to do so. Here’s the hard truth I’ve learned, that I am still learning: you can have all of the money and doctors and access in the world, and it still doesn’t mean you will have a baby. Surely, it helps, it gets you closer, and I am so grateful everyday for our ability to throw money at this. But still: there is no guarantee, ever. And oftentimes, there is nothing to do but Wait, to sit with yourself, accept where you are, stew in Trust and Hope and Faith and Patience other words that go on Pillows. My Christmas promise (is this a thing?) to myself is to try, really really try, to accept and enjoy where we are, because objectively, OBJECTIVELY, it’s really not so bad, like perhaps even Great.

Posted in love, MAWWAGE., narcissism, the future, the making of babies, the worst, whining, words, worrying, YAY | No Comments »

Rage

November 20th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

I feel like Rage doesn’t suit me. It’s not my natural or go-to state. The closest thing I think I’ve felt in the past is frustration, which is a gateway drug to Rage, the Diet Coke of Rage, Rage’s short friend from college who she sees Sometimes, and Wow, I could make those metaphors all day. But lately I feel so much of it, and it’s like my body and brain and heart don’t know how to process it because it’s so New. It gets Big and Hot and Mean but when it comes out, it’s a cute sputter, it’s a Bee trapped in a cupcake case, buzzing around pointlessly, stinging the glass.

Posted in a lot, silly, the making of babies, trying too hard, whining, worrying | No Comments »

Feelings Recipes

November 16th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

One of my new favorite things to do is to write Feelings Recipes, by which I mean, listing out not only ingredients but also the Feelings I put into whatever I cooked. And so I present to you this vegan pasta:

With turmeric chickpea noodles, Avoidance, roasted carrots and cauliflower, DESPAIR, onion and garlic, DREAD, roasted cherry tomatoes, kale, FRESH HOPE GRATED ALL OVER THE TOP OF IT (TASTES LIKE CHEESE)

Posted in food, generally, ha, whining, worrying, YAY | No Comments »

WE’RE FINE, HOW ARE YOU?

October 29th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

I’ve finally located the most perfect anecdote to share whenever I’m asked, How are you, How are things? I will now reply:

Well yesterday, I came home from the doctor frustrated because it takes a long time because it always takes a long time, and it eats into my time to Work, and I’d spent the drive home trying to think through a note on my Santa Claus play, and my brain was too full of big worries to think it through it clearly, and so Morrison found me sobbing in a doorway, crying I DON’T KNOW WHAT SANTA WANTS!!!! SO I’M BASICALLY FINE, HOW ARE YOU?

Posted in holidays, the making of babies, the writing of drama plays, whining, YAY | No Comments »

AM I CALM YET?

October 21st, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter
  • Does 10 minute long guided meditation; finds Calm
  • Is very proud of oneself
  • immediately starts to spiral with worry
  • then starts to spiral more with worry that the guided meditation didn’t ‘work’
  • IS 100% NO LONGER CALM
  • GOOGLES SAFE LEGAL LOBOTOMY

Posted in a lot, whining, YAY | No Comments »

Veinity

October 17th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

Me / Nurse: Hey veins! How you livin’?

Veins: SMALL

Me / Nurse: Cool, that’s cool, we’re just gonna need some blood real quick!

Veins: NO

Me / Nurse: But blood contains vital information and this is literally our only way to get it?

Veins: DON’T CARE

Me / Nurse: Wait, where’re you going?

Veins: BYE

Posted in a lot, whining, worrying, YAY | No Comments »

The Easiest Part

October 9th, 2019 by Bekah Brunstetter

My friend Maggie and her boyfriend Grimur had a little Girl about 6 months ago, as weird and beautiful as her parents. I kept asking Maggie what her daughter’s name was, and she kept saying, we don’t know. And also: we’ll decide when the government needs us to! Granted, they are Icelandic, so basically they ONLY DO THINGS IF INSTRUCTED TO BY HIDDEN PEOPLE, or if compelled to do so by their art guts. They were so busy raising and marveling at her, that her name didn’t really seem to matter. Their little girl went nameless for I think something like 3 months before they settled on Myrra, something that both Americans and Icelanders could easily pronounce. I was thinking about Myrra and Maggie the other day as Morrison and I had our 8 millionth ‘what will we name our children‘ conversation. For us, that has been the easiest part, probably because we’ve had much time to discuss. It started the year before we got married as we floated in a desert hot Spring, poking around the names of our siblings and grandparents and musicians we liked. For going on four years now, we’ve known ****** and ****** and ******. Their names are so clear to us, and we repeat them sometimes, remind ourselves of them, like saying ***** and ***** and ****** will make them exist, before they do. Just as I’m trying to patiently allow myself to think about worst case scenarios, I’m trying to also think about the good ones. Like when ***** or ****** or ****** is grown, they might ask us someday, why did you name me *****? And we will smile and say, because we knew it was your name, long before we knew You.

Posted in i am a grown up, i am lucky, i have peace, kids, silly, the future, the making of babies, whining, worrying, YAY | No Comments »

« Previous Entries