Today, on contemporary woes, on the drive to work I happened upon a podcast in which a person was questioning whether or not they were being their authentic selves, and it’s just like, in addition to worrying about whether or not I am doing enough or enough of the right thing and am I doing it fast enough, or should I be doing it at all, I now must wonder if I am doing it AUTHENTICALLY? DOES IT EVER EVEN END, OR IS LIFE A DEEP VAT OF QUESTIONS EACH VAGUER AND EVEN MORE TRULY UNANSWERABLE THAN THE ONE ABOVE IT?
There are two kinds of people in the world: one who finds things like facials to be therapeutic and relaxing and restorative, and the other who finds them to be IS THIS REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN FOR A WHOLE HOUR THERE IS NO WAY IT HASN’T ALREADY BEEN AN HOUR I AM SO THIRSTY I JUST WANT TO MOVE WHY IS SHE STABBING ME WITH HER FINGERNAILS IS THAT WHAT THEY CALL AN ‘EXTRACTION’ OH GREAT THANKS FOR THE FACE MASK THAT SMELLS LIKE COOKIES NOW I WANT TO EAT MY OWN FACE
We got a box of mangos from a fruit stand, 7 for 7 bucks, and I have no idea what to do with them except walk around like a person with a bunch of mangos on their counter at home, which is to say person who feels just a little bit better than everyone else, but is quite confused as to Why.
Is anyone else sometimes completely overcome by an aggressive need to time travel back to when there was no such thing as phones that lived in our pockets and so we left our houses free of every person we know, and headed to meet the one person we’ve agreed to see, and just spent that agreed upon, unchanged time with that one person? But that is no longer so, and so you are then overcome by an overwhelming sadness that that purity of time spent can no longer be? So what then follows is a need to do violent things our phones, throw them into traffic / drop them off bridges / run them over with cars just so they’ll no longer be, and then lastly, the last part, the yearning to have the part of your brain that makes one reach for their phone, check it obsessively, search for something new that never satisfies, surgically removed? YES? ALL OF US FEEL OF THIS THING? GOOD TO KNOW.
The other night I made us halibut, and Morrison Keddie suffered hours of my workshopping the perfect halibut joke. (Spoiler: none of them work. Just don’t even try. Not even ‘halibut what if you didn’t.’) And now, it is a mere 30 DAYS TIL I WED THIS KED. SEE WHAT I DED THERE? QUICK, TIME, HURRY, SO I CAN SEAL THE DEAL BEFORE HE CALLS IT OFF BECAUSE PUNS
- NUMBER OF TIMES YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME BEING EXCITED RE: THIS SHOW
- EXACT QUANTITY AND SIZE OF MY WINE HEAD TODAY POST CELEBRATING
When I run out of words and questions and characters, I will be the person who is in charge of carefully staging plates with half eaten food for tv and film sets and HAPPILY SO. Seriously, I could just watch the props people do this all. Day.
We’ve been receiving lots of awesome Suzy and Stanley homemaker stuff off our registry, but mostly Importanty, we have discovered that ALL CRACKER HAS EVER WANTED IS TO LIVE IN A GIANT PILE OF PACKING PAPER.
Me: I think I can’t wait til we’re old.
Me: I was behind this middle aged couple at the play the other night, and they seemed so happy.
Morrison: Yeah? Why?
Me: They seemed really calm and like their kids were grown and out of the house. Like they just shop for cheeses and have people over for dinner and drink wine and eat lots of cheese and go to plays.
Morrison: So you’re excited to be old because cheese.
Morrison: Yep. That checks out.